<body>
Sunday, November 28, 2010

just tryna figure out where I am
just tryna figure out what I want
just tryna figure out who to believe
just tryna figure out when I'll grow
just tryna figure out how I'll look like
just tryna figure out where I'm going
just tryna figure out where I'll be
just tryna figure out who I'm gonna be
just tryna figure out if I'll look back on this and feel great
just tryna figure out.
yep, teenhood is brilliant.


Friday has got to be one of the strangest days of 2010.
In a very good way (:

I was already in a bad mood in the morning because my mom decided not to drive me to *Scape and I had to wait for the dang bus and I was 45 minutes late. For the first meeting, which certainly doesn't give a good impression to anyone. I don't think it really affected anyone though. Maybe Rosie. It was extremely embarrassing for me but it got better somehow.
Between lunch and dinner it was insane. Sort of not really kinda quite.
Dinner was quite surprising. My godparents let me choose where to eat as usual and I ate so much that I was crazy. All the sugar I had for the day, felt like my ears were gonna bleed. But the food was ohsogood! This is the normal part. The strange part is my godparents took me to the Airport because my godpa wanted to play on the huge slide. And I thought he was joking until he told me that he planned to break his new record. Like WHAT?! I thought my dad was the most childish adult I'd ever met and turns out my godpa is just the same :D seems like every man's a boy inside (: and he made me slide as well. I was feeling so full I couldn't even walk properly but I still went on the slide and I was so afraid I was gonna hurl but in the end I was fine. And my godfather was faster than me on the slide. Hehheh. It's just so funny how you think you know enough but you really don't, and it really makes life so much more fun.

I'm extremely worried for the IB.
I fear a lot of things.
I think one of the things I've been gifted and yet cursed with is the ability to auto-reflect.
Every night I think of what happened during the day, what worked and what didn't, conversations, how many times I laughed, how many calories I consumed, have I done all my homework, blahblahblah
and all of these are done involuntarily. I don't actively reflect. My mind just makes me do it.
And after reflecting on the day, I put it in the grand scheme of things. Like how significant was today for the entire year so far, or for my life, or how does this fare on my charts, like when's the last time this worked or didn't, had this conversation, laughed this much, ate this much, blahblahblah
and it takes me to a whole new level of reflection.
Like have I REALLY enjoyed myself so far? Am I REALLY doing okay? Am I REALLY doing it right?
And this makes me worry the most because I can't deal with stagnancy. Sure I love routines but there must always be something special inside the routines. Like let's say I take the car to school everyday but it's different because there's always a different radio show going on. Or I'm having math in class but this time we get coloured paper instead of black and white. Because these small things are really what keep me going day by day. I also like LARGE special moments. Like one weekend my dad decides we should all have a pastry buffet and takes us to some coolish cafe.
And when I reflect on a whole new level, I keep thinking "how often have I been doing this? It's just the same things over and over" and then I realise that my life is extremely boring and school is boring and studying is boring, and after hearing this every night in my head I get so sick of my life I lose the will to study or wake up every morning or open my file or pencil case.
And the IB, it's going to be 2 years of slogging. And yes I've beens studying for 12 years sure I can take another 2 of my life away, but this is going to be different. It's full dedication and I don't even know what I'm getting out of it. The last time I studied so hard for a test I blanked out. What if I blank out after 2 years? If there's one thing I've really learnt from life is that you don't always reap the rewards. That's how the phrase "DIE TRYING" comes about. You don't win, no matter how much you fight. And worse, you don't fight anyone but yourself. And sometimes you don't even know who you're fighting for.
And sometimes I feel like I'm going through this alone.
Sure I do have family and relatives and friends but they aren't taking the IB.
Yeah my friends take the IB but they don't have the familial pressure I do. They don't have the personality I do. They definitely don't auto-reflect like I do. Auto-reflection doesn't even happen every night, it can happen more than once in a day. While peeing. While on the train. In the middle of responding to a text message.
I'm alone.


I know that I forgot that I have a lot more than a lot of people in the world.
What people forget is that there is a lot I don't have as well.
And you just have to ask yourself, is having this much really worth having this much?


♡V

Friday, November 26, 2010

93.475999
LIARS.

my complexion D;

Thanksgiving is here, time for me to be thankful, so no complaints today.
except the 2 above.
To avoid corny moments, I shall just list 5 things I'm extremely grateful for this year:

1. I'm promoted
(really, this was a close call for me)
2. I'm not overweight
(YET, but hey the longer it takes the better right :))
3. I'm not left out as much anymore
(note: AS MUCH)
4. I visited Europe.
(it was on my bucket list :D)
5. My parents have driven me to school every single day
(I really think I deserve it, but hey, not everyone gets this privilege)

YUP.

I actually feel quite weird now, because all of a sudden there's nothing RELEVANT on my to-do list for next week. I'm slightly nervous that I've missed out something. maybe I should just shift all my December to-doos to November and enjoy my last month eh (:
yep will doos.


oh my Christmas tree is up and it's beeyootiful :D
sad thing I lost my charger for my awesome camera.
no idea what I'm gonna do.
hope simlim has it.

ARGHHHHHHHNOMUSTBETHANKFULANDBENICE

xoxo


♡V

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Finally got ToK out of the way.

I FEEL SO FREAKIN' GOOD.

but I'm still behind schedule, so... meh.
This week is really Social STD week.
And I FEEL SO INACTIVE.
I can feel all my muscle breaking down and my body storing FAT.
D;
WHYYYYYYYY~~~~~

this is what I'm gonna turn into. without the happy ending.

omg mom chillax.
maniac.
I never want a domestic help.


♡V

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

was just checking out random articles for fun and most articles, I notice, never answer the question or even help.
oh and do you guys notice that when kids stop eating it's because they really are full? So they leave loads of stuff on their plate because they don't want to eat anymore. but for us adults and teens we just keep eating until everything is finished. it's actually habitual. omg what happened to us right.
and I was thinking why the hell would I ever do that and then I remembered that when I was young I wouldn't finish my food once (I think) and then my dad told me that people in other countries don't even get food to eat and I really should be grateful. And he showed me this article on how this girl's family was so poor that all she ate was 2 spoonfuls of rice for dinner in order to save money for the family and I should be thankful that I don't have to go through that.
and my mom told me that when my dad was young his family was extremely poor that all they ate everyday was rice with soy sauce or rice with pepper. like WHAT. not dishes. and when my grandfather earned enough to buy fish to steam, my dad pretended not to like fish so his family could eat more. and that must have been the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life because my dad loves fish like crazy and I've never seen anyone clean a fish the way my dad does. probably to make up for all those days of no-fish-ness. now he lets me eat all the fish so I can grow or something like that. I know I should be nice and give him fish but I eat it anyway xD
I'm such an asshole.
and then I think another time I didn't wanna eat and my dad got so fed up he told me that I can't play or watch tv until I clean up my entire plate.
and another time, my mom told me the amount of food left on my plate is the amount of pimples my husband was going to get. then I told her I'm not getting married and she said "well in that case you'll get the pimples" and that seriously freaked me out. how old was I, 6?
and another time I think my dad ordered too much at a restaurant, and all of us really couldn't eat another bite, and my dad just ate everything up and I asked my mom why my dad is never full. she told me that my dad is extremely full, he's just forcing himself to eat everything so we don't waste the food and then she reminded me of the poor people who have nothing to eat and how I should be grateful.
and I was about to ignore her when she told me the story of my dad again. WTF. total guilt trip.
I swear seeing my dad eat everything by himself, I think everyone knows that if there's one thing I can't stand is seeing people eat alone, and seeing my dad eat everything really scared the shit out of me.
it's like force feeding. like pure torture. the way the Japanese would force water into people and then sit on them. just wrong.
so I think all the events just struck me and I finished all my food from then on. that's why when I eat with anyone you guys always see me finish my food, and when I know I can't I just don't eat at all. or I sell it. or trade it. or bring it back for my brother.
and I think it's really good habit to have, but what really sucks is that I used to take more than I can finish so I'd force myself to eat everything and that's how I got fat. and I think just a few years ago my mom just got so scared of her daughter being such a pig she told me that I didn't have to finish my food if I didn't want to, but I was just so scared of pimples and having my dad eat them or wasting or whatever that I still did it anyway.
When I go out with anyone and I don't eat it's probably because these kinds of memories really hit me at that moment and I'm so disgusted so I don't buy anything because it just freaks me out?
I'm still trying to break the habit.
like today my mom left loads of food for me to eat
and I really couldn't eat any more, so I called her and she told me to leave the food and she'll handle it
but I think she knew that I knew she was going to throw it away (she doesn't tell me she'll throw it away because she knows I'd rather force it down my throat) so after I hung up I forced myself to finish everything. it was an extremely horrible experience.
and a lot of people know I can't puke, I can't purge as well. what a curse.
so all the food just stays in me.
no the bright side the food she cooked was really healthy, like salmon and steamed tofu-egg and broccoli (of which the calories used to digest it is more than the calories itself) so I don't feel so bad.
in Bago I saw the kids being really hungry and quite stunted in their growth because they had insufficient food. this boy Christian (I don't know how to spell it but it sounds like it) was smaller than my 6 year old cousin. He was 12. and then I was sitting with a group of SOTA kids and NONE of them finished their food because "it was their habit" and I almost screamed at them.
oh did I mention I was the fattest person who went to Bago City. No kidding.
and I don't know how I'm EVER EVER EVER gonna drop the habit because I'm pretty much scarred.
and not eating just screws your metabolism. so yeah.
I'm screwed.


♡V

Monday, November 22, 2010

1. Reply E
2. bookdepot
3. ToK Essay (the subject that makes the stupid feel stupider)
4. BB scouting
5. Clean Macbook
6. MOVE WINDOWS OUT OF ROOM
7. Physics. FML
8. Math
9. THEATRE!!!!
10. Running in the Family by Michael Ondaatje
11. Shakespeare's Hamlet
12. The Waiting Years by Fumiko Enchi

I am so behind schedule.
I think this week will be "Social STD" week. Meh.
ToK IS DUE IN A WEEK! D:
get yo' nerd on.


Okay Ms. No-Life has to start work now.
my body is twitching like mad I think it's hyperactivity from being so immobile today.
It's only 2pm D;


♡V

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Ican'tbelieveit'saffectingmesomuchandIwonderwhen'sthelasttimeIfeellikethisdon'tmindmeI'mjustrantingbecauseIhavetogetthisoffmychestbutreallyIdidn'twantitsomuch
whenIfirsttrieditbutthenIrealisedIactuallyhadachanceandthenitdawnedonmethatthiswasmyshotandtheofficialstatisticswere80%andthenthenextthingIknowit'sloadsandloa
dsoftrialanderrorandI'mstillwaitingfraresultandmaybeit'soutIjustdon'tknowitbutreallyit'squitehardnottothinkofitbecauseIdon'tthinkanyonehasanyideahowmuchthismean
stonowanditfeelslikeIwasjustbeinghappyorhopefulfornothingImeanobviouslythey'dchoosethetallhotbodovershortfatuglymeandsomuchforseeingsomethinginmeifthepr
oducerscan'tbutheyontheflipsideatleastitwasareallygoodexperienceyouknowmeetingupwiththeothersandworkingwiththembutreallyI'dmuchpreferifIwasofficiallyselecte
dandmaybeshehasn'ttoldmeyetI'dbequitemadifshedidn'ttellmebutI'mhappyforheraswellImeansheneedsthemoneymorethanIdokindofbutIneedtheexperienceandopportuni
tymorethanshedoesshehashermomtosupportherforchrissakesbutI'mallonmyownandIneedmyparentstobeproudofsomethingwhichbringsmetotheclasspartyihavemanyreas
onswhyileftbutreallythemainreasonwhyileftisbecauseisureashellwasn'tenjoyingmyselfandnotbecauseofwhatIclaimedtotheothersbutbecauseafterseeingtisaitjustsnappedi
nmyheadthatI'vehadenoughofskinnypeoplearoundmeandIdefinitelyhavehadenoughofbeingthefattestoneinclasssincegodknowswhenlikemyentirelifehonestlymanwhen's
thelasttimeIwasskinnierthansomebodyelsefuckneverandI'mjustreallysickofitIswearthosepeopledon'tevenworkhalfasmuchasIdotogettothisstageandIthinktheonethingthat
reallystartledmewasthefactthattheysaidthatIhadn'tchangedabitandthattotallyscaredtheshitouttamebecauseI'vebeenworkinglikemadsince'08noonecandenythatIhopeIreally
hopeandIcan'tbelieveIwassostupidtobelievethatIactuallyhadslimmeddownoverthepastyearsImeanmymom'satotalliaralmosteveryoneisandmyheighthasn'tchangedbutIpu
tonabout3to5kgfromp6likelasttimeIwasabou39.5andnowhgodknowshowheavyIwayandit'sreallybotheringmeyesIknowsomepeoplearebornfatanduglybutI'msososososu
reIcanbeskinnyIjustneeedtobegiventhespaceandtimeandmoneytoachieveitandI'mnotreferringtosurgeryI'msoseriousintermsofhairofcourseIcanalwaysshaveitbutI'malways
soscaredy'knowlikewhathappenswhenitgrowsbackorsthomgokaymaybethatIcandealwiththeconstantupkeepbutmybodysizeandfuckmyabfyesmybestfriendabftoldmethat
atthebbqtheyweretalkingaboutmeandthatreallyfreaksmeoutImeanmaybeit'sagoodthingbutreallybesidesmyfuglycomplexionandquitemessedupbodyshapeandsizetheplau
siblereasonwhyIdidn'twanttogoforthegatheringisbecauseIreallyhavenothingtoshowtootherslikedlthasthewholehayImmabeapilotthinggoingonandtheotherswelljustskin
nyaseverandnicoisgoingtoaustraliaandabfandhisfrenchitalianwhateverandotherpeoplehavejobsandIhavenothingtoshowexceptthatIgainedlotsofweightandstilldon'thaveaj
oboramoviedealoramstillintheprocessofchasingmydreamsanddeepdownIhaveafeelingthatthey'resohappyI'mnotsucceedingandthey'retalkingtomssawaboutitImeanmssa
womgthatwomanreallybelievesinmeIthinkandIhopeandIcan'tevenmakeherproudofmeforasecondandbringingmybrotherwassuchabadideabecauseIhavetoentertainhiminst
eadofargagraejblajernaljustquitepissednowandsensitiveandvulnerableIthinkthat'swhatI'mfeelinghaven'tfeltthiswayinawhileandIthinkimmastartontokafterwatcingbbtto
makemefeelbetterxoxobye




♡V

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

s n v e p o r c v b j a f e p e f s  f u l y f i n b z n s n t r d b n v r z q r v a l o r c b q f a c r e u d  p y l r e u v n r c c f f z d t q r e u u f e c r x n t r a n f o z l s f u l r e u j q n e v j r b l f d e p v j f d y u e c b c f g n r c v e p r e u e f j v r z s n v e p g d e v b q n u e f s f u l y v x n b r o r c p v a y c q n l r y y j r e c b x v e e l g n f g y n v q r c n z l b n y o r e u n i n a l s f u l q r c n b z n r e u v j r e c c f u v n r e u b f z n c v z n b v j v b q z l g r a n e c b j n a n e c r a f d e u b f v t r e u f j q r c n i n a v c c r x n b c f b  y v z z n u  f j e v q r c n z l b n y o


♡V


1. ToK
2. Exercise/ diet/ whatever
3. Get my Macbook fixed. the damned shit
4. Pack table
5. Finish The Door by Angela Carter
6. Finish The Waiting Years by Enchi Fumiko
7. Watch Brokeback Mountain/ V for Vendetta/ Inglourious Basterds
8. Get a new phone before I go on a killing rampage


I really should continue with ToK but I'm really really stuck
and really after getting your internet back during a year end vacation on a Monday, it's only normal to be having fun in cyberspace before being responsible.
hah. excuses.
I think I'm gonna wear glasses every time I do ToK, that'll probably give me some Clark Kent power for studying :D
Need to go on super detox.

Anyone wants to buy me a weighing machine?

MLIA of the Day::
Today I walked downstairs where my family had gathered. There were two plates of brownies. My aunt pointed to them, "Male or female?" I told her brownies had no gender. She sighed and said, "Oh, but they do. Do you like them with or without nuts?" MLIA


♡V

Monday, November 15, 2010

'cause I could fall asleep in those eyes like a waterbed


♡V


okay. I need to sort my priorities.
been youtubing and facebooking and tumblring and thinking about how bored I am...
until I remembered I haven't done my ToK essay.
schweisse
is that how you spell it.

anyways, I really have to get it done,
it's extremely tough to complete, I haven't had a proper draft yet and I need to hand it in before December!
D:
and my injuries aren't healing and it's really taking a toll on my overall health.
I really want to get active and lose all the fat but my body is giving me shit.





I want to sort my table out, it got messy again /:
and well, vc'u qrin snne evtn cf antnvin r tryysrtx sdc lnrq V xefj vc jrb r qrau bqfc
so now I'm hoping I get the next one
because it really is great. didn't want it at first but I want it a lot now.
and the Kate Spade book of the month clutches, ZOMG
this is the first time in my life I actually want to buy something branded.
but at the same time I don't want to.

argh okay priorities. things to do by this week:
1. ToK
2. Exercise/ diet/ whatever
3. Get my Macbook fixed. the damned shit
4. Pack table
5. Finish The Door by Angela Carter
6. Finish The Waiting Years by Enchi Fumiko
7. Watch Brokeback Mountain/ V for Vendetta/ Inglourious Basterds
8. Get a new phone before I go on a killing rampage

FML of the Day::

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After about minutes of freaking out and explaining on how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was best thus far. FML


♡V

Saturday, November 13, 2010

you know what would make me feel so much better at this very moment?

1. a new mattress
2. a body that wouldn't shut down on me so easily
3. a high metabolic rate
4. instantaneous high speed internet ON MY MACBOOK the damned shit.
5. a smartphone with a good keypad and internet access and quick response
6. a million bucks
7. a chest brace, or better, having my pigeon chest mysteriously disappear
8. a really good movie deal
9. the answer to the ToK question
10. a PERSONAL slave helper, like Dorotha (:
11. a great jawline
12. a miraculous appearance of a gym and a pool in my house
13. entire series of Ugly Betty, HIMYM, BBT and American Dad in my Macbook. In HD. NOW.
14. a sudden appearance of a weird bacteria in my body that feeds on cellulite and acne
15. a time turner


♡V


a best friend would put you in your place.
a slave would just listen to you bitch the living shit out of anyone.
I NEED A SLAVE.


♡V