truth be told, that didn't help me much
♡V
I'm going fucking crazy because my emotions are taking over and frankly I'm really tired of reeling them in.
WhydoIkeepfeelinglikethis
So next week is going to be hell.
I know I'm going to fuck myself over regardless of whether I do it or not,
but if I don't hit below 40kg before Saturday, FUCKMYLIFE.
I'll go for fucking surgery because I'm sick of myself.
And no amount of surgery is going to make up for all the skill I lack as a performer
And I've gotten out of this emotional and psychological rut before so I know I can
but for now I'm just really deep in, and I can't bring myself to watch The Middle Place because I can't bear to see myself ruin a piece I worked so hard and felt so much for.
SO MUCH FOR.
I can't believe I let my parents watch UMW, no wonder why they don't want me to have an arts education.
Like fuck I deserve it, like fuck.
Thank God they never watched my performances, because if I were them, I wouldn't be able to last, and the more I watched the more I'd do everything in my power to make sure my daughter doesn't go down the road to fucking failure.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this bad if I actually looked better.
Whenever I watch shows that are complete shit, I comfort myself with the fact that I get some eye candy.
I have absolutely nothing to give to the audience. Nothing.
Sometimes I wish he didn't do theatre, because I'm so damn sure, so fricking sure that this special thing we have in common is going to be the reason why this relationship is not going to work. Either I die of jealousy or depression.
WhydoIkeepfeelinglikethis
So next week is going to be hell.
I know I'm going to fuck myself over regardless of whether I do it or not,
but if I don't hit below 40kg before Saturday, FUCKMYLIFE.
I'll go for fucking surgery because I'm sick of myself.
And no amount of surgery is going to make up for all the skill I lack as a performer
And I've gotten out of this emotional and psychological rut before so I know I can
but for now I'm just really deep in, and I can't bring myself to watch The Middle Place because I can't bear to see myself ruin a piece I worked so hard and felt so much for.
SO MUCH FOR.
I can't believe I let my parents watch UMW, no wonder why they don't want me to have an arts education.
Like fuck I deserve it, like fuck.
Thank God they never watched my performances, because if I were them, I wouldn't be able to last, and the more I watched the more I'd do everything in my power to make sure my daughter doesn't go down the road to fucking failure.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this bad if I actually looked better.
Whenever I watch shows that are complete shit, I comfort myself with the fact that I get some eye candy.
I have absolutely nothing to give to the audience. Nothing.
Sometimes I wish he didn't do theatre, because I'm so damn sure, so fricking sure that this special thing we have in common is going to be the reason why this relationship is not going to work. Either I die of jealousy or depression.
♡V
the first thing my mom said to me when I met her after school was, "your dad is disappointed in you"
well, that makes two of us.
♡V
I have 2 weeks to lose 4 kg. Or at least get below 40kg.
And since I can't exercise, I think the best I can do is crash diet.
Leggo.
And since I can't exercise, I think the best I can do is crash diet.
Leggo.
♡V
I have no fricking mood to work on my rationale now.
And I can't focus because it's eating at me and driving me nuts.
I know I'm making a decision I could potentially regret and I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
It's not that I really need to get into the school, but taking another rejection is just so hard and so embarrassing and everything that I don't think I have the emotional and psychological capacity to handle at this moment. Maybe I'll do it because I'm not alone, but I'm so sure that at the end of the day I'm stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
How long will it take for me to recover?
Maybe I should just do it. Because if I hit rock bottom, the only way I can go is up, and at least I can say I "tried", if I am, and at least I learn from it instead of staying in my shell, and I don't know how long it'll take for me to get back on my feet but at least I know what it feels like to fall and next time I'll be able to handle it.
And I can't focus because it's eating at me and driving me nuts.
I know I'm making a decision I could potentially regret and I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
It's not that I really need to get into the school, but taking another rejection is just so hard and so embarrassing and everything that I don't think I have the emotional and psychological capacity to handle at this moment. Maybe I'll do it because I'm not alone, but I'm so sure that at the end of the day I'm stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
How long will it take for me to recover?
Maybe I should just do it. Because if I hit rock bottom, the only way I can go is up, and at least I can say I "tried", if I am, and at least I learn from it instead of staying in my shell, and I don't know how long it'll take for me to get back on my feet but at least I know what it feels like to fall and next time I'll be able to handle it.
♡V
I feel like I just created my own wormhole and jumped straight into it
Once I do this there's no going back
and I'm so dead certain that if I fail, or when I fail, I probably won't have what it takes in me to pick myself up and try again.
I've dealt with enough rejections over the course of my life to just stop everything
and I know that without this I have nothing to live for
but at the same time it feels that nothing is what I deserve
I am going insane.
Once I do this there's no going back
and I'm so dead certain that if I fail, or when I fail, I probably won't have what it takes in me to pick myself up and try again.
I've dealt with enough rejections over the course of my life to just stop everything
and I know that without this I have nothing to live for
but at the same time it feels that nothing is what I deserve
I am going insane.
♡V
1. I wonder if anyone heard the pain in my laughter just now. If they didn't, I'm glad. If they did, I wish they'd said something about it.
2. Totally loving the freedom of living alone.
3. Argh big house I can't take care of it. NEED. SMALLER. SPACE.
4. Really proud of myself for getting over it so quickly.
5. Living by my own rulezzzzzz
6. Ate food upstairs hohoho rebel
7. I'm moving away from this unhealthy dependency on others.
8. Is it really necessary to have someone to go/ come home to, when you go out to meet people everyday?
9. The whole idea of staying with someone, it's only for the lonely.
10. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.
11. All this time, all this freedom, I wonder how long before I need change. But I doubt I'll find out.
12. I tell the truth. Would you rather have me lie?
13. He will stop loving me, and it will be okay, because I won't need it to live.
2. Totally loving the freedom of living alone.
3. Argh big house I can't take care of it. NEED. SMALLER. SPACE.
4. Really proud of myself for getting over it so quickly.
5. Living by my own rulezzzzzz
6. Ate food upstairs hohoho rebel
7. I'm moving away from this unhealthy dependency on others.
8. Is it really necessary to have someone to go/ come home to, when you go out to meet people everyday?
9. The whole idea of staying with someone, it's only for the lonely.
10. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.
11. All this time, all this freedom, I wonder how long before I need change. But I doubt I'll find out.
12. I tell the truth. Would you rather have me lie?
13. He will stop loving me, and it will be okay, because I won't need it to live.
♡V
well hello to my eyebags and fugly face poo.
good morning world, I am going to sleep now.
♡V
I'm so glad he was right.
and the only reason that's stopping me from cutting myself now is that I don't want to be just like her.
See, disgust and contempt can be good.
and the only reason that's stopping me from cutting myself now is that I don't want to be just like her.
See, disgust and contempt can be good.
♡V
I really shouldn't have. God, what plans do you have in store for me?
♡V
THIS IS FUCKING WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD WHAT DO I NEED TO ESCAPE FROM, EVERYONE OR MYSELF?!
♡V
I'm incredibly sick and tired of being.
Can I just go to sleep already?
Can I just go to sleep already?
♡V
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay because everything is okay but the thoughts in my head
And no one can help me.
Or maybe nothing is okay but everyone is ignoring it,
so no point bringing it up because it'll be countered with denial.
I hate myself.
I hate the way I look.
I hate the way I sound.
I hate the way I behave.
I hate the way I feel.
I can't find a single thing to love about myself.
Today I felt incredibly helpless because my help was rejected.
My help was rejected by the person who needed it the most.
Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world.
And I did everything I can to make up for how useless I was
and a lot of things I did was against my will
And I'm filled with so much regrets.
Why am I regretting everything if I'm so sure I did something good?
She's so perfect I hate it.
She's so perfect that the only thing imperfect about her is her misery.
But why am I trying so much to relieve her of her misery?
Why am I trying so much to keep her perfect?
What do I even stand to gain from it?
She'll be perfect and I'll still be me.
I'll look like me.
I'll sound like me.
I'll behave like me.
I'll feel like me.
I'll hate me.
And I can't tell anyone this.
I'm not okay.
♡V