I’m feeling terrible terrible fumbles 

And Way-J is really far away. From my body and from my heart. Like there’s this great distance, this vast plain between us and his back is turned towards me. It feels like I’m crazy and I feel bad for feeling crazy. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t know why I’m holding on to him anymore because it feels like he’s not doing the same and I feel bad for thinking it because I know he has a lot on his plate and a lot to deal with and I have to trust that he’s doing everything he can to be better, to hold on to us, to make it work for us but... why would he? I’m having trouble seeing it. I’m bringing so much pain that it’s probably a lot easier to just cut loose and move on, and I think that’s what he wants to do more and more as the days pass on. I feel like I’m holding him back because I’m holding on. Maybe I should be the one to cut loose so both of us can be happier. How do I make him happy? When was the last time I made him happy? I really don’t know. 

I keep opening his messages and checking to see if he’s read them or if they’re double ticked or if he’s typing a reply and it’s driving me crazy. I’m really obsessing over this and I hate the person I’m becoming. But it’s my fault I’ve become this way. The choice is always mine to be someone else. I don’t know what’s stopping me from deleting everything, I guess I’m trying my best to honour my promise to him? But what promise has he made to me that he kept? I’m losing a lot of perspective here and I’m deeply deeply unhappy. And I hate that only Way-J can make me happier. He can’t. And my happiness is not his responsibility or his priority. It’s mine. 

I wish I could tell with absolutely certainty how much he wanted to make this work, how he truly feels about me, how happy I really make him, if he’ll ever relapse. I feel like I’m the bad guy with everything I do and feel. 

And I think I’m really tired not and would like someone to love me. If I’m still worthy of that? I am right? I am? Or is it simply the idea of me that’s worth loving? Haha this sucks.

I’m not gonna get much sleep tonight.