I hate homework and I have to stop putting negative things on tumblr.
I think what makes me different from others in terms of handling conflict is that I forget, but I never forgive, while others either forgive and forget or forgive but don't forget.
I realise that I have a lot of grudges inside me, and because I forget the incidents it doesn't bug me, but once I remember that it happened, I feel so much hatred well up inside me I literally feel like I'm being dragged down a pothole and I'm struggling for the life of me to stay above the ground.
Anyways that aside, I'm really too lazy to blog unless if it's a vlog, and I don't have enough privacy in this house to vlog without being labelled a lunatic.
I don't really know who I'm typing this to. Myself? Or an imaginary audience?
argh back to homework, I don't even have time to sleep anymore.
I think what makes me different from others in terms of handling conflict is that I forget, but I never forgive, while others either forgive and forget or forgive but don't forget.
I realise that I have a lot of grudges inside me, and because I forget the incidents it doesn't bug me, but once I remember that it happened, I feel so much hatred well up inside me I literally feel like I'm being dragged down a pothole and I'm struggling for the life of me to stay above the ground.
Anyways that aside, I'm really too lazy to blog unless if it's a vlog, and I don't have enough privacy in this house to vlog without being labelled a lunatic.
I don't really know who I'm typing this to. Myself? Or an imaginary audience?
argh back to homework, I don't even have time to sleep anymore.
♡V
 |
| this is where I am now. |
I'm just at this stage in my life
where I don't know.
And it's not the "should I study theatre or law" kind of stage
it's a "do I want to carry on or not" stage.
Right now, at this very moment, there are thoughts swimming in my head
like mad piranhas
but I'm not anxious or anything, I'm eerily calm
and I'm trying to decide between whether to die or not.
And this isn't meant to be attention seeking. If it was I'd tell the world to read my blog
or say it to people.
I'm just putting it here so if I die and someone happens to be here at least someone knows that it wasn't depression or stress or exhaustion or loneliness or pain that killed me.
It's a loss of purpose.
I want you to know that we can't live without purpose.
I've lived through almost everything, but this lack of purpose inside me, this apathy for life, I've never felt anything like it.
It's unexpectedly calming.
Quite a strange feeling, but it feels good at the same time.
I'm not worried about anything.
And I know I've lost purpose
because I go home, and I eat, and I don't feel bad
and I look at myself, and I know I'm hideous, but funny though it isn't depressing me
and I weigh myself and I'm too heavy for my height. or lack thereof.
But I'm not sad anymore, I've reached this state where I have no more feeling towards anything
and I see all the homework I have to do.
Usually I'm anxious, but right now I'm thinking, "no point in doing homework now, is there"
or no point in doing anything.
I've lost purpose.
Maybe it's because I'm tired, I haven't slept for more than 5 hours day the past month
so after a good sleep I might wake up and hate myself and maybe attempt to do something.
but right now, if I were to die right now, I don't think it's a bad idea.
It's not that I'm giving up
or that I'm sick of life, or it's too tough.
I just realise that I don't like life that much, and I won't be liking it for a long while
so no point carrying on, just cut to the chase.
There are reasons why I'm not killing myself, of course..
One thing is because I'm tired so I'm probably not thinking right
it's the first time I've been so welcome to the idea of dying, so something might not be right.
Another is that I don't really want to die alone, that's just pathetic.
and the third is all the money and time spent into education.
dying now is such a waste.
I'm not going to actively kill myself.
But if anything fatal happens, I'm not going to live either.
There's a myth that patients with more willpower live longer.
They fight for survival.
Well I'm not fighting now, I'm extremely passive. My comatose body won't be struggling that's for sure.
Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe.
I'm just gonna see how it goes.
♡V
I really should start a vlog.
For one thing I can do my homework and rant at the same time
and typing everything I feel is the equivalent of writing a novel.
And all the thoughts in my head is too messy to be written anyways.
But argh, I don't have my own room,
therefore I suffer in silence.
Gonna not have a life now,
toodles.
♡V
how long since I came here, I have no idea.
I don't think anyone I know reads this anymore, which is good.
I can say anything I want and no one I know will get offended.
Been feeling like shit for a while because my weight just keeps increasing
and I sure as hell am not pregnant
and I can't seem to run without getting blisters anymore so fml I need a gym
and a private gym so no one can laugh at me.
I don't know the situation with my schoolwork.
I don't think I'm doing too well, everyone seems to be doing fine except me
I think everyone thinks the same way?
no idea, but whatever it is, I wasn't prepared for the IB.
thing is I'm having fun in the IB
as stressful as it is to everyone
I think the IB is only stressful because our prioritization sucks.
Like I've got loads of work
but then I just do it and do it and forgo my social life
and I get sleep, and less work.
It's easy.
The past few weeks I've been sleeping less which I attribute to lazing and loads of time wasting
so if the IB gets tough there really isn't anyone to blame but me.
Of course when I have time I can always be revising something to improve,
but I'm in a very slacker phase now.
Maybe because I'm feeling like shit about my body so I spend hours moping about it
and not getting anything done
not even exercise because the sun hasn't set
and no work because after you come home from school the last thing you can do is work.
I'm quite lucky, despite being all alone in this course
I have friends who still approach me
they haven't given up on my antisocialism yet which I'm extremely grateful for
If there's one thing we need to get through this
it's friends to egg you on.
And I'm so envious of all the people I see who always seem to have people around them
and they're happy
and they get stressed but they manage to pull through
and are still happy.
Even though I haven't lost all my friends yet
I'm feeling more alone than ever
mostly because of my perspective and working strategy
but also because I know it's only a matter of time before everything falls apart.
no one should be stressed about the IB now;
it's only the beginning and it only gets harder from here.
I'm not saying I'm not stressed
I'm worried like anything
I'm worried for my future
everyone seems to have a better life than I do
I blame it primarily on how I look.
like really, tall skinny beautiful people have less problems than I do let's face it yeah
but that aside.
I'm not getting any support for wanting to achieve my ideal body
I get shot down easily
I work hard and others still do better even though they leave things to the last minute
it just destroys my morale day by day
I'm just too proud to hurt myself
and I sure as hell don't want to die now
so the only way out is through, which is what I'm gonna do.
I don't want to just pull through,
I want to shoot through this tunnel like a rocket
and out to stardom.
Success, more like.
I don't know what I want to be anymore, SOTA has a way of making you doubt yourself
and making you feel like you're worth nothing.
Hell it seems like the whole cohort got to audition for Rambert except me
and that pisses me off,
what gives the school the right to give others an edge?
and really if they had so much pride in us
why do they only choose the same people for everything?
I don't remember the last time I was given a leadership opportunity
or anyone else for that matter
and yes I know one needs initiative.
but if one needs initiative, why are others GIVEN the jobs not INITIATING them?
This school is just one messed up conspiracy
I can't wait to get out of here and do whatever I want
that might kill me
but right now everything seems better than being in a school that,
despite encouraging being who you are,
JUDGES you for the very same reason.
this school will not define how well I do
this school will not define how good I am
this school will not definte WHO I am
and this school, for sure,
this sickening place of a school will not define how much I'm worth in this world.
Sure I've enjoyed this place,
but once I'm out of here, I'm out of here,
there's no looking back
and I'm gonna be so phenomenal on my own
they're gonna wish they actually valued me more while I studied in this place.
Back to reality now.
♡V
how long since I came here, I have no idea.
I don't think anyone I know reads this anymore, which is good.
I can say anything I want and no one I know will get offended.
Been feeling like shit for a while because my weight just keeps increasing
and I sure as hell am not pregnant
and I can't seem to run without getting blisters anymore so fml I need a gym
and a private gym so no one can laugh at me.
I don't know the situation with my schoolwork.
I don't think I'm doing too well, everyone seems to be doing fine except me
I think everyone thinks the same way?
no idea, but whatever it is, I wasn't prepared for the IB.
thing is I'm having fun in the IB
as stressful as it is to everyone
I think the IB is only stressful because our prioritization sucks.
Like I've got loads of work
but then I just do it and do it and forgo my social life
and I get sleep, and less work.
It's easy.
The past few weeks I've been sleeping less which I attribute to lazing and loads of time wasting
so if the IB gets tough there really isn't anyone to blame but me.
Of course when I have time I can always be revising something to improve,
but I'm in a very slacker phase now.
Maybe because I'm feeling like shit about my body so I spend hours moping about it
and not getting anything done
not even exercise because the sun hasn't set
and no work because after you come home from school the last thing you can do is work.
I'm quite lucky, despite being all alone in this course
I have friends who still approach me
they haven't given up on my antisocialism yet which I'm extremely grateful for
If there's one thing we need to get through this
it's friends to egg you on.
And I'm so envious of all the people I see who always seem to have people around them
and they're happy
and they get stressed but they manage to pull through
and are still happy.
Even though I haven't lost all my friends yet
I'm feeling more alone than ever
mostly because of my perspective and working strategy
but also because I know it's only a matter of time before everything falls apart.
no one should be stressed about the IB now;
it's only the beginning and it only gets harder from here.
I'm not saying I'm not stressed
I'm worried like anything
I'm worried for my future
everyone seems to have a better life than I do
I blame it primarily on how I look.
like really, tall skinny beautiful people have less problems than I do let's face it yeah
but that aside.
I'm not getting any support for wanting to achieve my ideal body
I get shot down easily
I work hard and others still do better even though they leave things to the last minute
it just destroys my morale day by day
I'm just too proud to hurt myself
and I sure as hell don't want to die now
so the only way out is through, which is what I'm gonna do.
I don't want to just pull through,
I want to shoot through this tunnel like a rocket
and out to stardom.
Success, more like.
I don't know what I want to be anymore, SOTA has a way of making you doubt yourself
and making you feel like you're worth nothing.
Hell it seems like the whole cohort got to audition for Rambert except me
and that pisses me off,
what gives the school the right to give others an edge?
and really if they had so much pride in us
why do they only choose the same people for everything?
I don't remember the last time I was given a leadership opportunity
or anyone else for that matter
and yes I know one needs initiative.
but if one needs initiative, why are others GIVEN the jobs not INITIATING them?
This school is just one messed up conspiracy
I can't wait to get out of here and do whatever I want
that might kill me
but right now everything seems better than being in a school that,
despite encouraging being who you are,
JUDGES you for the very same reason.
this school will not define how well I do
this school will not define how good I am
this school will not definte WHO I am
and this school, for sure,
this sickening place of a school will not define how much I'm worth in this world.
Sure I've enjoyed this place,
but once I'm out of here, I'm out of here,
there's no looking back
and I'm gonna be so phenomenal on my own
they're gonna wish they actually valued me more while I studied in this place.
Back to reality now.
♡V