♡V
on another note,
I might be grateful for the opportunity to study theatre in SOTA,
but if I ever make it to wherever I want to be, don't expect me to mention any of my institutions once.
because as much as education has taught me, that's all they did for me, while they gave every bloody person scholarship opportunities and auditions and interviews and stuff.
I've been fighting for opportunities since I entered this school, and at the end of the day, I fought for every single credit I got alone. No help, no support, no faith.
I FOUGHT MY WAY THROUGH.
I might be grateful for the opportunity to study theatre in SOTA,
but if I ever make it to wherever I want to be, don't expect me to mention any of my institutions once.
because as much as education has taught me, that's all they did for me, while they gave every bloody person scholarship opportunities and auditions and interviews and stuff.
I've been fighting for opportunities since I entered this school, and at the end of the day, I fought for every single credit I got alone. No help, no support, no faith.
I FOUGHT MY WAY THROUGH.
♡V
I want my family to be overseas without me during the entire mid-year vacation.
Not because I hate them, but because I really need to get my life back on track
and believe it or not, they're getting in my way.
Everything I do, my family assumes it's a cry for attention and they're putting me down.
I don't eat something, and they think that I want the entire fricking world to know that I think I'm fat and they fricking broadcast it. Like dude seriously, I never once said anything along those lines, I just don't want to eat shitty food. And then everyone who comes to me is so obliged to say "no you're not fat blah blah blah" dude seriously I didn't ask for your opinion so why don't you just leave me alone huh
and I feel so obliged to do stuff with my family (not that I don't want to) but because they're there I have to make the most of it before they slip away and then it's my fault, like 'oh well we were always around but you didn't wanna hang with us so we don't love you anymore' kind of thing. I'd rather they just stay in another country without me, so I can say 'oh well you were always away so it's too bad that you don't love me' that kind of thing.
And they give me the most shit for every little thing I do, and I get so annoyed, then I binge eat, then they tell me that I'm getting fatter (and note that in the previous point they were giving me shit regardless of my size anyway) and I get annoyed and binge eat even more and it's one huge ass cycle.
Yeah I suppose I could choose not to binge eat, then they fricking tell everybody that I have body issues (see previous point) like I seriously can't win, so I just need them out of my life-- not permanently, but for at least one month so that I can do what I want and not have them limit me.
And it's not like I'm taking drugs or harming myself or anything.
I'm gonna be using this time to study and get myself back in shape and possibly build up on my esteem and willpower (both, which, by the way, they destroyed a long while back) and maybe try to be grateful for their presence so when they get back times just might be happier.
On a separate note, I'm one pathetic little kid. I think I'm this natural people repeller, like no matter how I look, or how I behave, or how I think, or how I anything (and I have undergone quite drastic changes) people simply kinda hate me, or they just don't like being near me or anything.
Which is extremely sad, because I'm a people-person, and the one thing that keeps me alive is human contact.
And I know this is extremely contradictory from the point about my family, but it's actually quite different. For one thing, friends are the people who are taking the same exams, going to the same classes, listening to the same songs etc. In a way everyone's going through the same thing, except that their lives are pretty amazing and mine is just... shit. And well, my family seriously can't relate to me the way my friends can. The other day my dad looked at my uniform and thought it was a new shirt, I'm just like wtf? and my mom still doesn't know my subject combination, dude this is just crazy.
Oh and uh, my family is never proud of me. The last time they put "Vick" and "proud of you" in the same sentence was in 2007 (yes I'm so pathetic I actually remember) and it was because I was accepted into SOTA (which, ironically is the reason why they haven't felt any sense of pride for being related to me ever since). Yes. And maybe when they're away I could do something with myself to make them proud (hurhur bite me, but hey I have the right to delude myself) and even if they don't, at least I will feel proud of myself for getting my life back on track.
Really, I can't have stupid distractions from the family like them gossipping about me or insulting me directly or just blatantly not supporting me in everything I do. I know what I'm doing, I'm NOT harming myself in any way, I HAVE calculated the pros and cons, and if they don't trust me, the least they can do is to go on a wonderful holiday for a month and leave me alone.
You know how celebrities have the paparazzi out to destroy them every single second?
Well at least they have friends and family to back them up.
For me, my family is my effin' paparazzi and my friends-- well, haha, I don't know any.
And I'm not being melodramatic with the "I don't have any friends people hate me" kind of hollow remark. Step into my shoes and you'll really see: I don't have friends, and people HATE me.
♡V
I really don't know what to do now.
I'm too emotionally distraught to do my homework
and too guilty to do anything else.
I can't focus on my work so what's the point of doing it
but what's the point of going out if I have nothing to buy
and my feet has blisters so I can't exercise.
But if I don't exercise I won't lose weight,
even if I do exercise I won't lose weight but at least I won't hate myself for eating.
If I do my work I will feel guilty for not exercising
and work makes me hungry so I'll eat more
and since I'm already so emotionally affected I just might binge eat
I think that's what I've been doing today
but I don't want to go out for nothing
the only reason why I will go out is for exercise
but I can't, so going out will be like a waste of time
argh I hate dilemmas like these.
I'm too emotionally distraught to do my homework
and too guilty to do anything else.
I can't focus on my work so what's the point of doing it
but what's the point of going out if I have nothing to buy
and my feet has blisters so I can't exercise.
But if I don't exercise I won't lose weight,
even if I do exercise I won't lose weight but at least I won't hate myself for eating.
If I do my work I will feel guilty for not exercising
and work makes me hungry so I'll eat more
and since I'm already so emotionally affected I just might binge eat
I think that's what I've been doing today
but I don't want to go out for nothing
the only reason why I will go out is for exercise
but I can't, so going out will be like a waste of time
argh I hate dilemmas like these.
♡V
first time blogging from my phone.
Anyways imstuck in this stupid cycle which have to get out of
Everytime feel like I might have a shot at getting somewhere in life something comes along and screws it up
I can honestly say I'd rather live someone else's life right now.
The saddest thing is I never thought something like this will ever happen to me but I suppose it was only a matter of time
I feel like a substitute.
People don't stick with me because they want to, it's because they would rather do it than something else, or be alone, or whatever.
And I get no respect everywhere I go
And whatever I do, no matter how hard try I'm destined to fail
Or ill never get recognition.
I feel like I'm surrounded by people who either don't care about me
Or want to see me fail
Because it makes them feel good or whatever, I have no idea.
Something good happens and everyone wants to tear me down
And I would be fine with it except for the fact that it only happens to me.
Everyone gets encouragement or compliments and I get insulted or attacked or put down and it isn't fair
I know life isn't fair, but I feel like I'm always on the unfair end of the deal and it's really something I feel I don't deserve.
Anyone reading this is gonna say I"m a weakling or something along those lines
But I'm definitely a lot stronger than you think.
If you were in my shoes you won't last this long.
It's like I am hit by some muscle degenerating disease and it's a long painful process that nobody will notice until it's too late
I think I'll graduate alone
And go to college alone
And get a job alone
And live alone
And die alone
Not only physically alone
But in the sense that no one is going to support me
Hah, if I manage to graduate in the first place.
I definitely am not self centered.
I do stick with people when their goings get tough
And they're fine now
And therefore I'm of no more use for them
And they chuck me aside
And now my going is getting tough
And I'm gonna have to do this alone.
What's the point of dying if I go to heaven alone
And go through eternity alone.
I'm just stuck in this world with everything against me.
Anyways imstuck in this stupid cycle which have to get out of
Everytime feel like I might have a shot at getting somewhere in life something comes along and screws it up
I can honestly say I'd rather live someone else's life right now.
The saddest thing is I never thought something like this will ever happen to me but I suppose it was only a matter of time
I feel like a substitute.
People don't stick with me because they want to, it's because they would rather do it than something else, or be alone, or whatever.
And I get no respect everywhere I go
And whatever I do, no matter how hard try I'm destined to fail
Or ill never get recognition.
I feel like I'm surrounded by people who either don't care about me
Or want to see me fail
Because it makes them feel good or whatever, I have no idea.
Something good happens and everyone wants to tear me down
And I would be fine with it except for the fact that it only happens to me.
Everyone gets encouragement or compliments and I get insulted or attacked or put down and it isn't fair
I know life isn't fair, but I feel like I'm always on the unfair end of the deal and it's really something I feel I don't deserve.
Anyone reading this is gonna say I"m a weakling or something along those lines
But I'm definitely a lot stronger than you think.
If you were in my shoes you won't last this long.
It's like I am hit by some muscle degenerating disease and it's a long painful process that nobody will notice until it's too late
I think I'll graduate alone
And go to college alone
And get a job alone
And live alone
And die alone
Not only physically alone
But in the sense that no one is going to support me
Hah, if I manage to graduate in the first place.
I definitely am not self centered.
I do stick with people when their goings get tough
And they're fine now
And therefore I'm of no more use for them
And they chuck me aside
And now my going is getting tough
And I'm gonna have to do this alone.
What's the point of dying if I go to heaven alone
And go through eternity alone.
I'm just stuck in this world with everything against me.
♡V