Knowing that I'll be waking up early tomorrow to no transport and will have to lug my obese ugly self to meet a bunch of skinny pretty people whom I have had to see every weekday for the past 20 weeks, tomorrow, being the first day of my holiday, is definitely going to suck.
Of course it wouldn't suck if my back wasn't hurting or if my right leg wasn't strained or if I were taller and perhaps prettier and smarter, but of course God doesn't want me to win.
God just wants to kill me off but he doesn't want to look like he was being unreasonable so he's making my life so goddamn unbearable and hoping I'll off myself so it'll seem like I gave up instead. I don't know if I should just give the divine being what he wants and seem like the bad guy, or if I should soldier and attempt to beat the odds and suffer for eternity.
Between the devil and the deep blue sea.
I don't want to sleep now because I am so convinced that tomorrow is going to suck.
That's been the trend for the past semester no matter how hard I try to be optimistic, so how can tomorrow be any different.
And blogger on blackberry sucks.
Indeed.
Of course it wouldn't suck if my back wasn't hurting or if my right leg wasn't strained or if I were taller and perhaps prettier and smarter, but of course God doesn't want me to win.
God just wants to kill me off but he doesn't want to look like he was being unreasonable so he's making my life so goddamn unbearable and hoping I'll off myself so it'll seem like I gave up instead. I don't know if I should just give the divine being what he wants and seem like the bad guy, or if I should soldier and attempt to beat the odds and suffer for eternity.
Between the devil and the deep blue sea.
I don't want to sleep now because I am so convinced that tomorrow is going to suck.
That's been the trend for the past semester no matter how hard I try to be optimistic, so how can tomorrow be any different.
And blogger on blackberry sucks.
Indeed.
♡V
a lot of people hate me. It's okay, I hate myself too. at least we have something in common (:
♡V
 |
| three little birds sat on my wonder and they told me I don't need to worry |
 |
| summer came like cinnamon so sweet little girls double dutch on the concrete |
♡V
mmhmm.
♡V
HAHAHA, what a joke.
♡V
I'm sick.
but that aside, I really need to get away but I can't
and every time I try to get away I get more suffocated in this mess
and this might sound really overdramatic, but it's not
if you look at me in person I'm really fine, it's just these moments
Sick sick sick.
Psychologically so.
I'm so damaged.
I'm actually on a high right now, and I'm still typing this
like whut.
All these things I don't like about life is SCREAMING in my head
and I can't list a single on without listing everything else
so I'm not even going to start
of course there are things that make me happy
but these happy things just lead to bad things
and I'm quite done with that
I'd give an example, but that would mean I have to list everything
so I'm not even going to start.
D:
why me, that's not fair.
and I'm awkwardly creeped out now.
but that aside, I really need to get away but I can't
and every time I try to get away I get more suffocated in this mess
and this might sound really overdramatic, but it's not
if you look at me in person I'm really fine, it's just these moments
♡V
just as I think that maybe I can start feeling good about myself, I get slammed.
great.
today was the first day in ages I ate cereal from a bowl.
First.
I haven't used a bowl for cereal in more than 9 months, or probably more,
because using a cup would mean that I ate less, and maybe I might lose weight, and then I could become skinny and pretty, but if I ate from a bowl, the carbs would turn into fat and I'd be some butt ugly fatass
which I am, but I'm not butt ugly, just ugly.
And today I ate from a bowl.
It wasn't easy, and I definitely hadn't realised how hard it would be until I poured the cornflakes in.
I started with apprehensive spoonfuls and ate with a spoon that was smaller than a teaspoon
because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this supposed stupid choice of
eating cereal from a bowl, but slowly it got better
and by the end I also had a second helping
I know it's a bad choice, but I wasn't feeling bad, so why not take advantage of it right?
but today was the first day I ate what I didn't like simply because I was hungry.
I wasn't even in a bad mood, and I only eat what I don't like when I'm in a bad mood.
Usually I just wait for something nice and likable to come along.
Well today was a carb-filled day, which I wasn't trying to feel bad about,
because I knew that I could just eat more vitamins and fibre tomorrow instead
and exercise when the weather and blisters were better
and I had a sort of movement workshop, and I perspired, so I was doing some work right
and I was craving pandan cake.
then my dad tells me I'm disgusting for not eating a proper meal
because I'm loading nothing but rubbish into my body
He's being a tad ridiculous, because he brought me to a very stupid and disappointing place for breakfast
a place in which the menu had NOTHING of any nutritional value. I swear on this.
And if I'm loading rubbish into my body, then WHY DOES THE BLOODY HOUSE HAVE RUBBISH INSTEAD OF NUTRITION
or, why does he get to eat his junk food like CHOCOLATE CAKE and TURKISH DELIGHT and HAW FLAKES while I can't eat BREAD or CHEESE or CEREAL or MILK in this house
Please, walk your talk, or stfu.
by the way, the most unhealthy thing I ate today was the chocolate cake which he said was really good and that I really had to try
it was good, but I don't think I would have eaten it if he hadn't mentioned it
and I think the food I ate can be considered breakfast, like cereal, cheese, bread, kaya, coffee, milk etc.
I ate grapes as well.
Today was the first time in 6 months I didn't feel like killing myself for eating more than 800 calories
and my dad ruined it
I don't need you to do it dad, I have enough skinny lucky perfect people in my school blessed with good genes (which you have none of) to make me want to kill myself every single day
and just as I decide that I'm gonna put being skinny (which you told me was NEVER gonna happen) aside so that I can grow taller, you ruin it
anyway he's succeeded in making me hate myself
and that's thrown me entirely off my good energy
so I don't know if I'm going to regret today when I wake up tomorrow
or if I'm going to be even worse and kill myself with carbo overload.
I guess only tomorrow can determine how strong I am
I hope I don't let me down
♡V
I might disagree with this post in future but right now I'm pretty pissed off.
"The student shows some initiative and perseverance in meeting the specific requirements..."
HOW FUCKING DARE SHE.
I just want to scream in her face and rip her papers apart.
and there's more but I'm too worked up to type and everything's just stomping around in my head and sneering at me and yelling "told you you weren't good enough, told you you were a failure"
the worst thing is I can't tell anybody this because I can't even come to terms with how humiliating this is,
and if I were to tell somebody, I might end up screaming in their faces and ripping their papers apart
and nobody deserves this.
Nobody except that damned bitch who dared to say that about me after feeding me all her effing lies.
right now all I can think of-- yes, I'm literally thinking of it-- is holding a revolver at my neck and pulling the trigger. I can even imagine how it feels like, having that metal press against the thin skin just below my jaw, with my index touching the trigger but not exactly curling around it because my fingers are too short, and my thumb gripping the handle. And I swear I can hear the spring when I load the bullet, and all I'm waiting for now is for the courage to pull the damn trigger. I'm stalling time by twisting my wrist here and there to see which angle makes the revolver feel most comfortable at my neck.
I've been thinking about this for weeks, but right now, this image is vivid as fuck.
I'm such a coward. The only reason why I'm still alive is because I'm not brave enough to say "fuck this shit I'm outta here"
"The student shows some initiative and perseverance in meeting the specific requirements..."
HOW FUCKING DARE SHE.
I just want to scream in her face and rip her papers apart.
and there's more but I'm too worked up to type and everything's just stomping around in my head and sneering at me and yelling "told you you weren't good enough, told you you were a failure"
the worst thing is I can't tell anybody this because I can't even come to terms with how humiliating this is,
and if I were to tell somebody, I might end up screaming in their faces and ripping their papers apart
and nobody deserves this.
Nobody except that damned bitch who dared to say that about me after feeding me all her effing lies.
right now all I can think of-- yes, I'm literally thinking of it-- is holding a revolver at my neck and pulling the trigger. I can even imagine how it feels like, having that metal press against the thin skin just below my jaw, with my index touching the trigger but not exactly curling around it because my fingers are too short, and my thumb gripping the handle. And I swear I can hear the spring when I load the bullet, and all I'm waiting for now is for the courage to pull the damn trigger. I'm stalling time by twisting my wrist here and there to see which angle makes the revolver feel most comfortable at my neck.
I've been thinking about this for weeks, but right now, this image is vivid as fuck.
I'm such a coward. The only reason why I'm still alive is because I'm not brave enough to say "fuck this shit I'm outta here"
♡V
I think my body is a fighter.
I say "my body" not "I" because it's the subconscious part of me, the part that my mind doesn't control, which is the fighter.
I say this because I realise that just as everybody stops believing in me, instead of giving up, I'm still going on.
Everybody, as in every single living human, including me.
Even I don't have faith in myself and I'm still going
Some people say one can't live without hope.
I'M PROVING THEM WRONG AT THIS VERY SECOND.
I haven't heard a sincere form of encouragement in ages
Maybe I'm not listening. Then again, when your mind shuts down and stops hoping, what's the point in listening
But back to the point, I haven't heard anything positive directed at me in ages
besides shallow comments and hollow compliments
I don't remember ever having anyone look me in the eye within the past few years
and tell me something that is both positive and sincere. The last person was Grace.
That was a year ago, but she's a psychologist so she might have been cheating me, I never know would I.
But even with no hint of positivity and the world's share of negativity on me, my body isn't giving up.
My mind has already said "screw this", but I'm quite sure my body is refusing to listen, and it's just moving and moving and moving and fighting and fighting and fighting and it's not winning
it definitely isn't winning, but it's not really losing either.
It's a fighter.
I can feel it fighting, and my mind is just too beaten to join in
My body is doing all the work, fighting against all the negativity on its own.
My mind won't stop screaming "what's the point" but my body hasn't screamed anything.
It's just marching and marching, uphill, of course, but marching nonetheless
and it's carrying this huge load
this huge load of negativity, of failure, of everything the world has put on me
It's like Hercules carrying the Globe.
It's just carrying the weight on its shoulders and marching uphill
and every time it manages to get rid of some negativity, more immediately spring up and cling even harder.
I think it's going to lose
but that's just my mind speaking.
My body is moving on.
I say "my body" not "I" because it's the subconscious part of me, the part that my mind doesn't control, which is the fighter.
I say this because I realise that just as everybody stops believing in me, instead of giving up, I'm still going on.
Everybody, as in every single living human, including me.
Even I don't have faith in myself and I'm still going
Some people say one can't live without hope.
I'M PROVING THEM WRONG AT THIS VERY SECOND.
I haven't heard a sincere form of encouragement in ages
Maybe I'm not listening. Then again, when your mind shuts down and stops hoping, what's the point in listening
But back to the point, I haven't heard anything positive directed at me in ages
besides shallow comments and hollow compliments
I don't remember ever having anyone look me in the eye within the past few years
and tell me something that is both positive and sincere. The last person was Grace.
That was a year ago, but she's a psychologist so she might have been cheating me, I never know would I.
But even with no hint of positivity and the world's share of negativity on me, my body isn't giving up.
My mind has already said "screw this", but I'm quite sure my body is refusing to listen, and it's just moving and moving and moving and fighting and fighting and fighting and it's not winning
it definitely isn't winning, but it's not really losing either.
It's a fighter.
I can feel it fighting, and my mind is just too beaten to join in
My body is doing all the work, fighting against all the negativity on its own.
My mind won't stop screaming "what's the point" but my body hasn't screamed anything.
It's just marching and marching, uphill, of course, but marching nonetheless
and it's carrying this huge load
this huge load of negativity, of failure, of everything the world has put on me
It's like Hercules carrying the Globe.
It's just carrying the weight on its shoulders and marching uphill
and every time it manages to get rid of some negativity, more immediately spring up and cling even harder.
I think it's going to lose
but that's just my mind speaking.
My body is moving on.
♡V
so screw mRI.
Take a bath, watch a movie, then get back to mRI.
Sounds good? Of course.
After all, if no one gives me marks for always giving 100%,
I think I deserve to reward myself after putting in 80.
maybe I'll become a failure in life.
haha wait I already am, whaddup!
but hey, suicide is just a pen knife away,
but why kill yourself when you can just flip the world off and watch a movie?
I say do that.
Live as a failure and die whenever you want.
Sounds good? Of course.
Take a bath, watch a movie, then get back to mRI.
Sounds good? Of course.
After all, if no one gives me marks for always giving 100%,
I think I deserve to reward myself after putting in 80.
maybe I'll become a failure in life.
haha wait I already am, whaddup!
but hey, suicide is just a pen knife away,
but why kill yourself when you can just flip the world off and watch a movie?
I say do that.
Live as a failure and die whenever you want.
Sounds good? Of course.
After all, if no one gives me marks for always giving 100%,
I think I deserve to reward myself after putting in 80.
_|_
♡V
stupid me ate too much.
my fault, of course.
anyways I might be digging my own grave but I think I did pretty well by doing 9 pages of mRI so I think I should reward myself by watching a show.
Yes, at this time of night.
And I hope my remaining 1500 - 2000 words will be really good.
):
I really hope my future turns out well, and that the end justifies the means.
if I get famous, I have a pretty darn good autobiography coming along.
my fault, of course.
anyways I might be digging my own grave but I think I did pretty well by doing 9 pages of mRI so I think I should reward myself by watching a show.
Yes, at this time of night.
And I hope my remaining 1500 - 2000 words will be really good.
):
I really hope my future turns out well, and that the end justifies the means.
if I get famous, I have a pretty darn good autobiography coming along.
♡V
 |
| JUST. LIKE. ME. |
I can't bring myself to do mRI. All I do is stare at my research and immediately I feel my chest tightening and my temples hurting and something like tears welling up in my eyes. What's the point of even doing it when I know I'm not even going to do well.
It's like a cancer patient carrying on with chemotherapy even in the fourth stage of her illness. What's the point. What's the point when she's gonna die in 2 weeks, and the chemotherapy is going to put her through so much more pain and when the anesthesia doesn't even work anymore. What's the goddamn point.
It's not like I haven't been trying my hardest, I daresay nobody else in the whole class churned up 50 pages of personally typed out research and stay up until 3 doing it while the rest of the world sleeps. Or goes for an MGMT or Maroon 5 concert. Whatever the fugh.
Honestly, what's the goddamn point.
Why am I even saying this when I'm still going to do it anyway. I suffer from student's guilt, and my stupid personality refuses to give up even when it's a lost cause. I'm a captain who insists on sinking with her ship.
I think the next 3 days are going to be one of the most painful days of my IB life.
The worst thing is nobody can get me out of this one.
♡V
oh man this isn't fair
I hate dilemmas
I have a headache from studying and have this sickening feeling that nothing is going in my head even though I've been discussing and rereading and annotating and editing
it's like I wasted my entire afternoon doing nothing.
I'm hungry and I want to eat, but I'm gonna feel so guilty for eating
because I feel like I haven't done anything the entire day
and people who don't think don't deserve to eat
and I ate a lot earlier today so I'm really pushing it
I've been putting on weight and nobody wants that no no
but if I don't eat I might screw my metabolism up
and I've been around this weight range for the past 3 years anyway so eating shouldn't make a difference
but argh I'm gonna feel so guilty
and what if I don't eat then I'll be hungry during tomorrow's paper and can't focus
but maybe I don't need food to focus I just need sleep
I really need to exercise, but I'm really tired now
because I've been doing history the entire day
which sucks because it feels like nothing went into my head
and I have a slight headache and my neck kinda hurts
but argh my legs are so gross I need to run
and I'm probably not pushing myself enough
but omg if I exercise I'm gonna eat after that and I'll feel guilty all over again
it's like I might as well don't exercise in the first place
I am tired but I'm too guilty to sleep
because I feel like I haven't done anything productive
so I shouldn't be resting
but my head hurts
then again if I sleep it'll be as if I wasted the opportunity to exercise
and what if I wake up hungry tomorrow, then my stomach will embarrass me during the paper
argh dilemma dilemma dilemma this isn't fair
I make the effort to study and I take care of my health
I pay attention in class and do my homework
and I eat fruits and veggies and nutritious goodness
so I shouldn't be this size and this stupid
I should be getting something out of all this work
but then again it's my fault I'm in this state because I'm a pig.
and pigs are fat and ugly and stupid and make the wrong choices forever
why is it some people can not study and do well
or eat so much and stay skinny
or simply not try and succeed in everything
not fair
not fair
God if this is punishment for not going to church,
I think the non-believers should get a share of this punishment as well
so why are they getting all the goodness in life
while I take this alone, not fair at all ):
by the way my parents are being very nice to me
my mom has been buying me loads of bread because she knows I like bread
and it's the only form of carbohydrate I will eat because it is so awesome
but I hate the fact that I'm eating bread (even though I love it)
and I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't want her to buy bread for me
she's gonna think I'm some ungrateful kids with body issues
and then she'll tell the entire world and argjargj arg aeg
I'm trying to come up with reasons to have her stop buying bread like
"meh this is too sweet" or "this bread has no walnuts, why is it called walnut bread" or "I can't eat this the butter tastes super weird" or "okay this smells weird" or "let her eat it if she wants" or "ya this is really good you want some!" and then immediately after "okay overdose I feel sick"
but it's really hard to be convincing when you're me and love bread so much
that every time you look at that carb-filled food your eyes literally glisten with joy
yes I like bread so much I actually laugh like an idiot eating it
God please make me like zero-calorie foods and hate anything bad for me
or alternatively, let whatever I eat translate into HEIGHT and not fats.
yes, that would be ideal tyvm.
♡V