I think the reason why I quite hate myself is because I put others before myself.
And I know this sounds very self-centered but hey I'm not forcing you to read this.
My theory is that:
I put others before myself, meaning that I care more for the needs of others than myself, and others are so used to me doing this that they forget that I have to care for myself as well, such that when I start saying or doing or thinking anything relating to me and not them, they think that I'm self-centered, because they aren't used to having me think/ do/ say stuff for myself in front of them.
And because they think I'm self-centered, I start thinking I'm self-centered, so I stop thinking for myself and start putting others before me, even more so than before, which I think is bad, because I start neglecting myself and end up more beaten up than before and end up hating myself even more.
I'm not saying that I should stop caring for others, and I'm not trying to sound like some martyr, because I'm not. I'm a so-called "normal" human being who happens to care for others as well as herself, but people have gotten so used to me caring for them that they've stopped being aware that I actually care for them, and when I start caring for myself, it's a new concept to them and so they just don't really like it.
I'm not gonna name any examples, because it's not anyone's fault but mine that I'm like that.
But whatever it is, I think if I had a chance to just be away from everyone and do my own things at my own time, just for a while, I think I'll be much happier.
Away from social obligations of any sort. Like a hermit, but not exactly.
I think it'll be quite fun to do that.
And I know this sounds very self-centered but hey I'm not forcing you to read this.
My theory is that:
I put others before myself, meaning that I care more for the needs of others than myself, and others are so used to me doing this that they forget that I have to care for myself as well, such that when I start saying or doing or thinking anything relating to me and not them, they think that I'm self-centered, because they aren't used to having me think/ do/ say stuff for myself in front of them.
And because they think I'm self-centered, I start thinking I'm self-centered, so I stop thinking for myself and start putting others before me, even more so than before, which I think is bad, because I start neglecting myself and end up more beaten up than before and end up hating myself even more.
I'm not saying that I should stop caring for others, and I'm not trying to sound like some martyr, because I'm not. I'm a so-called "normal" human being who happens to care for others as well as herself, but people have gotten so used to me caring for them that they've stopped being aware that I actually care for them, and when I start caring for myself, it's a new concept to them and so they just don't really like it.
I'm not gonna name any examples, because it's not anyone's fault but mine that I'm like that.
But whatever it is, I think if I had a chance to just be away from everyone and do my own things at my own time, just for a while, I think I'll be much happier.
Away from social obligations of any sort. Like a hermit, but not exactly.
I think it'll be quite fun to do that.
♡V
people in my world won't let me be who I am, and I find that most unfortunate.
from now on, who I am types here, and who the world wants me to be shall type in vspace94.blogspot.com
settled then.
from now on, who I am types here, and who the world wants me to be shall type in vspace94.blogspot.com
settled then.
♡V
Thank you so much for today.
I am so glad I didn't give up, and you work in the strangest of ways.
Thank you also for the head start, and for holding me back at the last minute.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship with you and I don't know what to do, but as long as you don't turn your back completely on me I've still got something to hold on to.
Keep my family legit, and keep my fats away.
Amen.
♡V
I am partially happy today because today is the last day of my 2-week stay-home-lie-in-bed-and-do-nothing programme which the doctor has ordered, which means starting from tomorrow I can finally be active like a normal human being and start on my new challenge which won't be easy, but I'm confident it will make me happier, which I hope is what everybody wants.
Yes.
This holiday has been quite fine so far and I'm praying it gets better.
I think one way to make this holiday better would be to get rid of my brother, he doesn't seem to be serving any positive purpose in my life right now. Another is to get rid of physics so I have one huge chunk of work less to worry about. Since both are unfeasible at this point of human techbology, I shall have to make do with 2 idiotic circumstances.
Anyway here's a picture to show the world I am a happy person:
I love this show, have I mentioned it?
So yes, I am a happy person.
:)
♡V
so I've been reading and re-reading my research for the past half an hour and I am so lost
I feel like I'm trapped in a sphere and a corner is my only way of escape so I'm just running all over the place trying to find that corner even though I know it's not there
I've been sitting at my desk looking over my research, and I'm so tired and I just want to sleep
I think if anyone is bored enough to read this they're gonna think I'm a moron for getting this emotional over my work
trust me, if this didn't mean anything to my future, I wouldn't be reacting like this
I would invite you to step into my shoes for a bit, but that's plain cruel.
I feel like I'm trapped in a sphere and a corner is my only way of escape so I'm just running all over the place trying to find that corner even though I know it's not there
I've been sitting at my desk looking over my research, and I'm so tired and I just want to sleep
I think if anyone is bored enough to read this they're gonna think I'm a moron for getting this emotional over my work
trust me, if this didn't mean anything to my future, I wouldn't be reacting like this
I would invite you to step into my shoes for a bit, but that's plain cruel.
 |
| gosh I miss London, just take me back. I was there exactly a year ago and I want BACK! |
♡V
I hate being me so much I wish my parents regretted ever giving birth to me.
All of my problems are a result of their fucked up genes.
Yes. thanks to you, ny life is shit and I wish I had never been born.
All of my problems are a result of their fucked up genes.
Yes. thanks to you, ny life is shit and I wish I had never been born.
♡V
It's taking me a lot of effort to live day by day. I have yet to receive just one piece of good news.
At the moment I wake every cell in my body screams "why am I still alive" but this small part of me squeals "it all changes today!" but at the end I'm still where I started.
I have been actively trying to change my circumstances to no effect. The only thing I haven't actively pursued is suicide. I refuse to play that stupid game.
I think I'm going to hate tomorrow, I can't see any other way to perceive it.
Just denounced a friend, I need the opposite of that douche with me now.
At the moment I wake every cell in my body screams "why am I still alive" but this small part of me squeals "it all changes today!" but at the end I'm still where I started.
I have been actively trying to change my circumstances to no effect. The only thing I haven't actively pursued is suicide. I refuse to play that stupid game.
I think I'm going to hate tomorrow, I can't see any other way to perceive it.
Just denounced a friend, I need the opposite of that douche with me now.
♡V