what's the point of being a social butterfly if you still don't get included at the end of the day?
and you just flit around and when you leave people forget you.
and I don't even know what's what and who's who and I don't get dish on music and problems and shows and stuff and I feel so bloody left out but I'm not but I am and every time, every time something great comes up on facebook I feel like crap because I'm not even a part of it
and I hate sounding like a whiny bitch so I'm just gonna stop and let the rest of my bitchings circle around my head and give me a headache so I can totally struggle during history tomorrow. actually in 8 hours. argh goddammit why can't there be 3 days of weekend for every 5 weekdays.
and you just flit around and when you leave people forget you.
and I don't even know what's what and who's who and I don't get dish on music and problems and shows and stuff and I feel so bloody left out but I'm not but I am and every time, every time something great comes up on facebook I feel like crap because I'm not even a part of it
and I hate sounding like a whiny bitch so I'm just gonna stop and let the rest of my bitchings circle around my head and give me a headache so I can totally struggle during history tomorrow. actually in 8 hours. argh goddammit why can't there be 3 days of weekend for every 5 weekdays.
♡V
sometimes I wish I could turn this into a video log but I think if my mom heard me speaking to myself she's think I was madder than she already thinks I am.
I think the because problem in my life is my height.
Despite the IB and social politics and everything, I think the biggest problem lies with my height.
My height affects me so much that I realise I have never once felt on top of the world
and I always feel lost and unacknowledged because I'm shadowed by tall people.
and it feels like crap, because being so close to the ground, I get the feeling that something is dragging me to the centre of the Earth, something that isn't gravity, and it's really crazy because I'm trying trying trying to be straight and be tall and feel like I deserve a space in the world.
I get nightmares because of my height, I feel that I'm so short that even if I were to disappear off the face of this world no one would realise because even now they can't see me anyway.
I don't even know if this really is the case.
and there's so much stress in being short.
I worry about the load of my bag, I wonder if my growth is stunted because of the load I carry
I worry about my future, because given my meagre mattributes I don't see how I can survive in the real world without any height
and really, with all the tall people in the world, who's gonna cast a short dwarf as a lead anyway if they have someone taller and definitely skinnier and prettier to do the job
I worry about what I eat; maybe I'm not growing upwards because I'm eating the wrong food, or eating too much, or not eating enough, and what really is enough anyway
I worry about my width, because being so short, you always look like a stump unless you're dead ass skinny
I worry about how people view me
you can't take a dwarf seriously no one can
no one takes me seriously and in school it's fine but what if I start working (if I get work) and no one is listening to what I'm really saying?
Respect as well. it's so hard to earn respect from people who look down at you.
at least it's not on me, not yet. but it's so much easier to give the "wtv" face to someone short.
screw being skinny, screw looking gorgeous, screw being a genius.
when I'm tall, I'm invincible.
♡V
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.
♡V
This is a whole bunch of WHYs.
Dear invisible force,WHY am I shaped like a pear?
WHY is my home internet so funky?
WHY can't I seem to concentrate on History right now?
WHY do I always get headaches on Wednesday afternoons?
WHY is it so hard for me to find something healthy but nice to eat at home?
WHY are my friends treating me this way?
WHY am I so bothered by it when I said I was expecting it?
WHY do I want to sleep?
WHY can't I sleep?
WHY am I always in the middle with no outcome?
WHY can't I log into Edulearn?
WHY can't I get a decent RQ?
WHY am I too lazy to jog?
WHY am I asking you that when I already know the answer?
WHY is my battery always running out?
WHY don't we have more time in a day?
WHY don't we have less work if we have more time?
WHY am I asking you this when I know it's all about prioritizing?
WHY can't I be pretty?
WHY can't I be skinny?
WHY do I still stay in this stupid circle of events when I don't want to?
WHY do I care if she's bloody sensitive when I don't care if other people are?
WHY can't I follow my awesome advice?
WHY am I not a milionaire?
WHY are no cornflakes 0.1g fat and 1g carbs?
WHY did you cheat me on cornflakes?
WHY can't my mom just live healthy and screw all junk food?
WHY can't I find a nice pretty dress for me?
WHY do I have such ugly knees and elbows even though I moisturize?
WHY do I have to study math?
WHY can't I have more willpower?
WHY am I not as smart as everyone else?
WHY am I not as tall as everyone else?
WHY can't the cafeteria sell good healthy food?
WHY must the world deep-fry?
WHY can't Artsaurus get some healthy snacks in?
WHY didn't I learn dance when I had the chance?
WHY did I start sucking in mother tongue?
WHY must we learn stupid physics?
WHY must I have a weirdly shaped face that makes me look ugly in all hairstyles?
WHY must I have such a huge pigeon chest that makes me look weird in all clothing?
WHY must I have bigger thighs than hips?
WHY am I shaped like a pear?
♡V
 |
| hmmm. choices choices choices. |
♡V
I read blogs and tumblrs and follow people on twitter and I'm always so envious of them because they have so many followers and they always have nice stuff and tweets and loads of comments from others and I get nothing and I feel like crap about it because I'm a total attention.
but you know what, screw it all. these followers don't know who these people really are, they like and follow because of what's on the blog not what's inside the blogger and I'm not gonna be like that.
THIS YEAR, I'm gonna suck it up, I'm gonna do all I can to make it as someone whom people know not someone who will be followed behind the screen.
I'm not gonna be something. I'm gonna be SOMEBODY.
I don't care if my blogs never get read or if I never get followed on twitter.
sure I feel like shit but I don't want to depend on cyberspace to feel happy. I'm gonna depend on myself, and I'm gonna be loved because of who I am not what I put on my sites.
I'M TAKING THE WORLD BY STORM.
♡V
but you know what, screw it all. these followers don't know who these people really are, they like and follow because of what's on the blog not what's inside the blogger and I'm not gonna be like that.
THIS YEAR, I'm gonna suck it up, I'm gonna do all I can to make it as someone whom people know not someone who will be followed behind the screen.
I'm not gonna be something. I'm gonna be SOMEBODY.
I don't care if my blogs never get read or if I never get followed on twitter.
sure I feel like shit but I don't want to depend on cyberspace to feel happy. I'm gonna depend on myself, and I'm gonna be loved because of who I am not what I put on my sites.
I'M TAKING THE WORLD BY STORM.
♡V
i survived the first week of school fyeah!!! :D
Sometimes you wonder why some people are so bloody famous for no reason.
Or even worse, for the very same reasons.
Fashion bloggers, how the hell did they get so famous?!
And the Singapore bloggers as well, how did they get so famous?
By blogging about their lives?
Well what makes their lives so bloody amazing compared to us, how did they manage to escape our boring system and have so much fun, or maybe they manage to play so well within boundaries that it makes their blogs so much more interesting than yours. Or their lives more enjoyable?
It's kinda weird isn't it, how people manage to get famous for nothing, because a bunch of humans are willing to spend a few minutes of their day reading about what he or she did that day and commenting on it, whether they even know the blogger or not.
If you really think about it, there isn't much to their blogs. The only reason why their lives are so amazing is because they have so many opportunities which, without their audience, would not be possible.
We empower these bloggers. Let's say if everyone stopped reading Xiaxue's blog for a month.
Literally.
She has ZERO views for a month.
How great is she now? She definitely would not be considered a famous blogger, she'd just be forgotten.
In case you're assuming so, I don't hate Xiaxue, and I don't read her blog regularly either.
I think it's extremely amazing that she manages to get so many views, and a few minutes ago when I read her blog to figure out why, well, I have no idea.
Her first post wasn't something huge like "WOOHOO just got signed on by Hollywood!" or anything like that, it was about her A'levels. Very ordinary. It was in 2003.
By 2004 she was getting hate mail. WTF?
And as the years go by her posts decrease and the viewership increases and she starts getting paid because others read her blog. Others are willing to read about a text message exchange between her and her friend, or her friend ditching her, or how her little birthday went.
Of course her posts are extremely entertaining now,
but how did she get her viewers?
Because she writes about her life the way thousands write about theirs?
it's so weird how the world spins around certain people.
it's like the CHI in all the universe swirling around that lucky person.
You know how sometimes you have NO text messages and then all of a sudden you get like 15 messages for different reasons, and it's a very ordinary day not your birthday or CNY or sth?
That's like CHI flowing around you.
And for these lucky people, they have LOADS of CHI.
Because they definitely didn't work hard to get where they are. They just... did.
ARGH CHI please flow around me, not for my blog of course that's so unimportant compared to other aspects of my life. Flow around my BANK ACCOUNT tyvm (:
Anyways I survived the first week of school so yay me
God please give me strength to survive the year!
♡V
Sometimes you wonder why some people are so bloody famous for no reason.
Or even worse, for the very same reasons.
Fashion bloggers, how the hell did they get so famous?!
And the Singapore bloggers as well, how did they get so famous?
By blogging about their lives?
Well what makes their lives so bloody amazing compared to us, how did they manage to escape our boring system and have so much fun, or maybe they manage to play so well within boundaries that it makes their blogs so much more interesting than yours. Or their lives more enjoyable?
It's kinda weird isn't it, how people manage to get famous for nothing, because a bunch of humans are willing to spend a few minutes of their day reading about what he or she did that day and commenting on it, whether they even know the blogger or not.
If you really think about it, there isn't much to their blogs. The only reason why their lives are so amazing is because they have so many opportunities which, without their audience, would not be possible.
We empower these bloggers. Let's say if everyone stopped reading Xiaxue's blog for a month.
Literally.
She has ZERO views for a month.
How great is she now? She definitely would not be considered a famous blogger, she'd just be forgotten.
In case you're assuming so, I don't hate Xiaxue, and I don't read her blog regularly either.
I think it's extremely amazing that she manages to get so many views, and a few minutes ago when I read her blog to figure out why, well, I have no idea.
Her first post wasn't something huge like "WOOHOO just got signed on by Hollywood!" or anything like that, it was about her A'levels. Very ordinary. It was in 2003.
By 2004 she was getting hate mail. WTF?
And as the years go by her posts decrease and the viewership increases and she starts getting paid because others read her blog. Others are willing to read about a text message exchange between her and her friend, or her friend ditching her, or how her little birthday went.
Of course her posts are extremely entertaining now,
but how did she get her viewers?
Because she writes about her life the way thousands write about theirs?
it's so weird how the world spins around certain people.
it's like the CHI in all the universe swirling around that lucky person.
You know how sometimes you have NO text messages and then all of a sudden you get like 15 messages for different reasons, and it's a very ordinary day not your birthday or CNY or sth?
That's like CHI flowing around you.
And for these lucky people, they have LOADS of CHI.
Because they definitely didn't work hard to get where they are. They just... did.
ARGH CHI please flow around me, not for my blog of course that's so unimportant compared to other aspects of my life. Flow around my BANK ACCOUNT tyvm (:
Anyways I survived the first week of school so yay me
God please give me strength to survive the year!
♡V
is it possible not to hate myself?
I knew this was gonna happen.
When school starts my life just starts being a shithole because of my diet.
BECAUSE OF MY DIET, WTF.
BECAUSE OF MY DIET.
How can I keep living like this?!?!?!?!?!?!
I don't know why can't I just take care of myself.
and this is depressing.
the last thing I need for the IB is to worry about my own health.
My complexion is already being a bitch, I don't need my appetite to be one as well.
♡V
I knew this was gonna happen.
When school starts my life just starts being a shithole because of my diet.
BECAUSE OF MY DIET, WTF.
BECAUSE OF MY DIET.
How can I keep living like this?!?!?!?!?!?!
I don't know why can't I just take care of myself.
and this is depressing.
the last thing I need for the IB is to worry about my own health.
My complexion is already being a bitch, I don't need my appetite to be one as well.
♡V
THERE IS NOTHING WORTH EATING IN THE HOUSE.
MY HOUSE IS SO FULL OF CHOCOLATES AND JUNK FOOD AND I FEEL DISGUSTED JUST BY STEPPING INTO THE HOUSE.
YOU WOULD THINK MY MOM ACTUALLY HAD THE DECENCY TO GET SOME FRUITS INTO THIS DWELLING.
Was thinking of just eating a little then jogging then coming back for dinner,
then my mom tells me there's no dinner so I only have that little bit of food to eat.
Which I shouldn't be complaining about since I didn't even use energy today so I don't even need to eat, but argh no idea why I'm such a pig now.
I was thinking of sprinting all the way to Pasir Ris Interchange to buy Mr. Bean soy milk then walk back home and drink it at the same time.
ARGHHHH I NEED TO CONSUME SOMETHING I FEEL LIKE A VACUUM CLEANER!
Anyways first day of school today, I hope I can get through the rest with as little hiccups possible.
Hmmm. MY HAIR IS DISGUSTING, why is it so greasy even though I washed it last night?!?!?!
Holeybamoley my mom just walked in on me.
♡V
Happy New Year to you (:
♡V
I pray mine will be just as happy if not better.
Dear God, when my parents were baptised, why did you decrease their cool factor?
thishasgottobetheworsttransitionI'vehadfromoneyeartoanotherinmymemory.Imeanthewholewaitingformidnightwasfun,butoncemidnightstruc
kanditbecamethenewyea
Ihadthissuddenwaveofshock,like"shit.therearesomaynythingsIwantedtodoby2010butdidn'tdo.andtheyweren'tbigthingslikesavetheearthorsomething,itwasth
edelittlethin
gslike"recyclethisbagofmagazines"or"goforajog"or"finishmorephysicshomework"youknowthelittlestuff.andofcourseIcanalwaysddothemnexty
ear,butwhatreallyirkedmeisthatIcoudld'vedone'emlastyear.mylastmealwaspotatochips.Ihfeelextremelydisgustedbyit
.Iobviouslycan'twaittoliveonmyownsothiswon'thappentome.
Ijustfeelveryshittynow.happynewyear,I'mabouttokillmyself.
Dear God, when my parents were baptised, why did you decrease their cool factor?
thishasgottobetheworsttransitionI'vehadfromoneyeartoanotherinmymemory.Imeanthewholewaitingformidnightwasfun,butoncemidnightstruc
kanditbecamethenewyea
Ihadthissuddenwaveofshock,like"shit.therearesomaynythingsIwantedtodoby2010butdidn'tdo.andtheyweren'tbigthingslikesavetheearthorsomething,itwasth
edelittlethin
gslike"recyclethisbagofmagazines"or"goforajog"or"finishmorephysicshomework"youknowthelittlestuff.andofcourseIcanalwaysddothemnexty
ear,butwhatreallyirkedmeisthatIcoudld'vedone'emlastyear.mylastmealwaspotatochips.Ihfeelextremelydisgustedbyit
.Iobviouslycan'twaittoliveonmyownsothiswon'thappentome.
Ijustfeelveryshittynow.happynewyear,I'mabouttokillmyself.
♡V