Monday, March 22, 2010
after I watched Jenny Humphrey succeed I'm freaking pissed off.
I kept thinking she was gonna fail and her dad was gonna be right but guess what? she actually got what she wanted.
and where did she start?
tailoring for Eleanor Waldorf.
she didn't get paid
and they were taking advantage of her and she stood up and walked away and she's a freaking huge success.
and my parents don't even let me do the things I love and they say with talent like mine I deserve to get paid and I agree but you gotta start somewhere and although they have a point well I'm sorry but look at how successful all my friends are getting because they don't mind being volunteers and they work their way up from there and nicholas gets freaking paid for everything he does and even though Marsha's not getting paid everybody loves her and I'm still a freaking nobody and the worst shit is a lot of people who get more recognition than me don't even want to be in the arts industry when the grow up theatre or art is just a sideline to them and it's everything to me because without art I'm nothing but without art they have something else like whatever shit they do and I'm just a stupid little nothing that will end up no where and I'll probably die from suicide than natural causes due to undiagnosed depression or some shit like that.
stop not believing in me and start trusting what I can do there's so much shit out there that don't deserve the credit and I'm freaking sure I deserve some so someone better look at me and see what I can do and STOP doubting me like the teachers, the people, the friends and my freaking family SOTA is a big fat conspiracy because we are not even commercially viable and we don't even have a manager to assign us anything I could kill myself just thinking about this shit but the thing is thinking isn't gonna get me anywhere it's doing and I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING I'm sorry I made the wrong decision to join Narnia and all that shit that I stupidly paid for but you never know unless you tried and I know now I'm not gonna pay for ANYTHING anymore and I swear I'll pay you back one day but that's not gonna happen because you don't trust me to do anything so I'll spend the rest of my life as a big fat ugly nothing and owing you a thousand bucks for a mistake which you WILLINGLY paid for
and disclaimer I don't hate my parents or Nicholas or Marsha or whoever I'm bitching about it's just a way of ranting my feelings and it's pissing the shit outta me becaue I deserve more.
I DESERVE MORE ASSHOLES.
♡V