just tryna figure out where I am
just tryna figure out what I want
just tryna figure out who to believe
just tryna figure out when I'll grow
just tryna figure out how I'll look like
just tryna figure out where I'm going
just tryna figure out where I'll be
just tryna figure out who I'm gonna be
just tryna figure out if I'll look back on this and feel great
just tryna figure out.
yep, teenhood is brilliant.
Friday has got to be one of the strangest days of 2010.
In a very good way (:
I was already in a bad mood in the morning because my mom decided not to drive me to *Scape and I had to wait for the dang bus and I was 45 minutes late. For the first meeting, which certainly doesn't give a good impression to anyone. I don't think it really affected anyone though. Maybe Rosie. It was extremely embarrassing for me but it got better somehow.
Between lunch and dinner it was insane. Sort of not really kinda quite.
Dinner was quite surprising. My godparents let me choose where to eat as usual and I ate so much that I was crazy. All the sugar I had for the day, felt like my ears were gonna bleed. But the food was ohsogood! This is the normal part. The strange part is my godparents took me to the Airport because my godpa wanted to play on the huge slide. And I thought he was joking until he told me that he planned to break his new record. Like WHAT?! I thought my dad was the most childish adult I'd ever met and turns out my godpa is just the same :D seems like every man's a boy inside (: and he made me slide as well. I was feeling so full I couldn't even walk properly but I still went on the slide and I was so afraid I was gonna hurl but in the end I was fine. And my godfather was faster than me on the slide. Hehheh. It's just so funny how you think you know enough but you really don't, and it really makes life so much more fun.
I'm extremely worried for the IB.
I fear a lot of things.
I think one of the things I've been gifted and yet cursed with is the ability to auto-reflect.
Every night I think of what happened during the day, what worked and what didn't, conversations, how many times I laughed, how many calories I consumed, have I done all my homework, blahblahblah
and all of these are done involuntarily. I don't actively reflect. My mind just makes me do it.
And after reflecting on the day, I put it in the grand scheme of things. Like how significant was today for the entire year so far, or for my life, or how does this fare on my charts, like when's the last time this worked or didn't, had this conversation, laughed this much, ate this much, blahblahblah
and it takes me to a whole new level of reflection.
Like have I REALLY enjoyed myself so far? Am I REALLY doing okay? Am I REALLY doing it right?
And this makes me worry the most because I can't deal with stagnancy. Sure I love routines but there must always be something special inside the routines. Like let's say I take the car to school everyday but it's different because there's always a different radio show going on. Or I'm having math in class but this time we get coloured paper instead of black and white. Because these small things are really what keep me going day by day. I also like LARGE special moments. Like one weekend my dad decides we should all have a pastry buffet and takes us to some coolish cafe.
And when I reflect on a whole new level, I keep thinking "how often have I been doing this? It's just the same things over and over" and then I realise that my life is extremely boring and school is boring and studying is boring, and after hearing this every night in my head I get so sick of my life I lose the will to study or wake up every morning or open my file or pencil case.
And the IB, it's going to be 2 years of slogging. And yes I've beens studying for 12 years sure I can take another 2 of my life away, but this is going to be different. It's full dedication and I don't even know what I'm getting out of it. The last time I studied so hard for a test I blanked out. What if I blank out after 2 years? If there's one thing I've really learnt from life is that you don't always reap the rewards. That's how the phrase "DIE TRYING" comes about. You don't win, no matter how much you fight. And worse, you don't fight anyone but yourself. And sometimes you don't even know who you're fighting for.
And sometimes I feel like I'm going through this alone.
Sure I do have family and relatives and friends but they aren't taking the IB.
Yeah my friends take the IB but they don't have the familial pressure I do. They don't have the personality I do. They definitely don't auto-reflect like I do. Auto-reflection doesn't even happen every night, it can happen more than once in a day. While peeing. While on the train. In the middle of responding to a text message.
I'm alone.
I know that I forgot that I have a lot more than a lot of people in the world.
What people forget is that there is a lot I don't have as well.
And you just have to ask yourself, is having this much really worth having this much?
♡V
just tryna figure out what I want
just tryna figure out who to believe
just tryna figure out when I'll grow
just tryna figure out how I'll look like
just tryna figure out where I'm going
just tryna figure out where I'll be
just tryna figure out who I'm gonna be
just tryna figure out if I'll look back on this and feel great
just tryna figure out.
yep, teenhood is brilliant.
Friday has got to be one of the strangest days of 2010.
In a very good way (:
I was already in a bad mood in the morning because my mom decided not to drive me to *Scape and I had to wait for the dang bus and I was 45 minutes late. For the first meeting, which certainly doesn't give a good impression to anyone. I don't think it really affected anyone though. Maybe Rosie. It was extremely embarrassing for me but it got better somehow.
Between lunch and dinner it was insane. Sort of not really kinda quite.
Dinner was quite surprising. My godparents let me choose where to eat as usual and I ate so much that I was crazy. All the sugar I had for the day, felt like my ears were gonna bleed. But the food was ohsogood! This is the normal part. The strange part is my godparents took me to the Airport because my godpa wanted to play on the huge slide. And I thought he was joking until he told me that he planned to break his new record. Like WHAT?! I thought my dad was the most childish adult I'd ever met and turns out my godpa is just the same :D seems like every man's a boy inside (: and he made me slide as well. I was feeling so full I couldn't even walk properly but I still went on the slide and I was so afraid I was gonna hurl but in the end I was fine. And my godfather was faster than me on the slide. Hehheh. It's just so funny how you think you know enough but you really don't, and it really makes life so much more fun.
I'm extremely worried for the IB.
I fear a lot of things.
I think one of the things I've been gifted and yet cursed with is the ability to auto-reflect.
Every night I think of what happened during the day, what worked and what didn't, conversations, how many times I laughed, how many calories I consumed, have I done all my homework, blahblahblah
and all of these are done involuntarily. I don't actively reflect. My mind just makes me do it.
And after reflecting on the day, I put it in the grand scheme of things. Like how significant was today for the entire year so far, or for my life, or how does this fare on my charts, like when's the last time this worked or didn't, had this conversation, laughed this much, ate this much, blahblahblah
and it takes me to a whole new level of reflection.
Like have I REALLY enjoyed myself so far? Am I REALLY doing okay? Am I REALLY doing it right?
And this makes me worry the most because I can't deal with stagnancy. Sure I love routines but there must always be something special inside the routines. Like let's say I take the car to school everyday but it's different because there's always a different radio show going on. Or I'm having math in class but this time we get coloured paper instead of black and white. Because these small things are really what keep me going day by day. I also like LARGE special moments. Like one weekend my dad decides we should all have a pastry buffet and takes us to some coolish cafe.
And when I reflect on a whole new level, I keep thinking "how often have I been doing this? It's just the same things over and over" and then I realise that my life is extremely boring and school is boring and studying is boring, and after hearing this every night in my head I get so sick of my life I lose the will to study or wake up every morning or open my file or pencil case.
And the IB, it's going to be 2 years of slogging. And yes I've beens studying for 12 years sure I can take another 2 of my life away, but this is going to be different. It's full dedication and I don't even know what I'm getting out of it. The last time I studied so hard for a test I blanked out. What if I blank out after 2 years? If there's one thing I've really learnt from life is that you don't always reap the rewards. That's how the phrase "DIE TRYING" comes about. You don't win, no matter how much you fight. And worse, you don't fight anyone but yourself. And sometimes you don't even know who you're fighting for.
And sometimes I feel like I'm going through this alone.
Sure I do have family and relatives and friends but they aren't taking the IB.
Yeah my friends take the IB but they don't have the familial pressure I do. They don't have the personality I do. They definitely don't auto-reflect like I do. Auto-reflection doesn't even happen every night, it can happen more than once in a day. While peeing. While on the train. In the middle of responding to a text message.
I'm alone.
I know that I forgot that I have a lot more than a lot of people in the world.
What people forget is that there is a lot I don't have as well.
And you just have to ask yourself, is having this much really worth having this much?
♡V