this is where I am now.

I'm just at this stage in my life
where I don't know.
And it's not the "should I study theatre or law" kind of stage
it's a "do I want to carry on or not" stage.
Right now, at this very moment, there are thoughts swimming in my head
like mad piranhas
but I'm not anxious or anything, I'm eerily calm
and I'm trying to decide between whether to die or not.


And this isn't meant to be attention seeking. If it was I'd tell the world to read my blog
or say it to people.
I'm just putting it here so if I die and someone happens to be here at least someone knows that it wasn't depression or stress or exhaustion or loneliness or pain that killed me.
It's a loss of purpose.
I want you to know that we can't live without purpose.


I've lived through almost everything, but this lack of purpose inside me, this apathy for life, I've never felt anything like it.
It's unexpectedly calming.
Quite a strange feeling, but it feels good at the same time.
I'm not worried about anything.
And I know I've lost purpose
because I go home, and I eat, and I don't feel bad
and I look at myself, and I know I'm hideous, but funny though it isn't depressing me
and I weigh myself and I'm too heavy for my height. or lack thereof.
But I'm not sad anymore, I've reached this state where I have no more feeling towards anything


and I see all the homework I have to do.
Usually I'm anxious, but right now I'm thinking, "no point in doing homework now, is there"
or no point in doing anything.
I've lost purpose.
Maybe it's because I'm tired, I haven't slept for more than 5 hours day the past month
so after a good sleep I might wake up and hate myself and maybe attempt to do something.
but right now, if I were to die right now, I don't think it's a bad idea.


It's not that I'm giving up
or that I'm sick of life, or it's too tough.
I just realise that I don't like life that much, and I won't be liking it for a long while
so no point carrying on, just cut to the chase.
There are reasons why I'm not killing myself, of course..
One thing is because I'm tired so I'm probably not thinking right
it's the first time I've been so welcome to the idea of dying, so something might not be right.
Another is that I don't really want to die alone, that's just pathetic.
and the third is all the money and time spent into education.
dying now is such a waste.
I'm not going to actively kill myself.
But if anything fatal happens, I'm not going to live either.
There's a myth that patients with more willpower live longer.
They fight for survival.
Well I'm not fighting now, I'm extremely passive. My comatose body won't be struggling that's for sure.


Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe.
I'm just gonna see how it goes.