how long since I came here, I have no idea.

I don't think anyone I know reads this anymore, which is good.

I can say anything I want and no one I know will get offended.

Been feeling like shit for a while because my weight just keeps increasing

and I sure as hell am not pregnant

and I can't seem to run without getting blisters anymore so fml I need a gym

and a private gym so no one can laugh at me.

I don't know the situation with my schoolwork.

I don't think I'm doing too well, everyone seems to be doing fine except me

I think everyone thinks the same way?

no idea, but whatever it is, I wasn't prepared for the IB.

thing is I'm having fun in the IB

as stressful as it is to everyone

I think the IB is only stressful because our prioritization sucks.

Like I've got loads of work

but then I just do it and do it and forgo my social life

and I get sleep, and less work.

It's easy.

The past few weeks I've been sleeping less which I attribute to lazing and loads of time wasting

so if the IB gets tough there really isn't anyone to blame but me.

Of course when I have time I can always be revising something to improve,

but I'm in a very slacker phase now.

Maybe because I'm feeling like shit about my body so I spend hours moping about it

and not getting anything done

not even exercise because the sun hasn't set

and no work because after you come home from school the last thing you can do is work.

I'm quite lucky, despite being all alone in this course

I have friends who still approach me

they haven't given up on my antisocialism yet which I'm extremely grateful for

If there's one thing we need to get through this

it's friends to egg you on.

And I'm so envious of all the people I see who always seem to have people around them

and they're happy

and they get stressed but they manage to pull through

and are still happy.

Even though I haven't lost all my friends yet

I'm feeling more alone than ever

mostly because of my perspective and working strategy

but also because I know it's only a matter of time before everything falls apart.

no one should be stressed about the IB now;

it's only the beginning and it only gets harder from here.

I'm not saying I'm not stressed

I'm worried like anything

I'm worried for my future

everyone seems to have a better life than I do

I blame it primarily on how I look.

like really, tall skinny beautiful people have less problems than I do let's face it yeah

but that aside.

I'm not getting any support for wanting to achieve my ideal body

I get shot down easily

I work hard and others still do better even though they leave things to the last minute

it  just destroys my morale day by day

I'm just too proud to hurt myself

and I sure as hell don't want to die now

so the only way out is through, which is what I'm gonna do.

I don't want to just pull through,

I want to shoot through this tunnel like a rocket

and out to stardom.

Success, more like.

I don't know what I want to be anymore, SOTA has a way of making you doubt yourself

and making you feel like you're worth nothing.

Hell it seems like the whole cohort got to audition for Rambert except me

and that pisses me off,

what gives the school the right to give others an edge?

and really if they had so much pride in us

why do they only choose the same people for everything?

I don't remember the last time I was given a leadership opportunity

or anyone else for that matter

and yes I know one needs initiative.

but if one needs initiative, why are others GIVEN the jobs not INITIATING them?

This school is just one messed up conspiracy

I can't wait to get out of here and do whatever I want

that might kill me

but right now everything seems better than being in a school that,

despite encouraging being who you are,

JUDGES you for the very same reason.

this school will not define how well I do

this school will not define how good I am

this school will not definte WHO I am

and this school, for sure,

this sickening place of a school will not define how much I'm worth in this world.

Sure I've enjoyed this place,

but once I'm out of here, I'm out of here,

there's no looking back

and I'm gonna be so phenomenal on my own

they're gonna wish they actually valued me more while I studied in this place.

Back to reality now.