I want my family to be overseas without me during the entire mid-year vacation.

Not because I hate them, but because I really need to get my life back on track

and believe it or not, they're getting in my way.

Everything I do, my family assumes it's a cry for attention and they're putting me down.

I don't eat something, and they think that I want the entire fricking world to know that I think I'm fat and they fricking broadcast it. Like dude seriously, I never once said anything along those lines, I just don't want to eat shitty food. And then everyone who comes to me is so obliged to say "no you're not fat blah blah blah" dude seriously I didn't ask for your opinion so why don't you just leave me alone huh

and I feel so obliged to do stuff with my family (not that I don't want to) but because they're there I have to make the most of it before they slip away and then it's my fault, like 'oh well we were always around but you didn't wanna hang with us so we don't love you anymore' kind of thing. I'd rather they just stay in another country without me, so I can say 'oh well you were always away so it's too bad that you don't love me' that kind of thing.

And they give me the most shit for every little thing I do, and I get so annoyed, then I binge eat, then they tell me that I'm getting fatter (and note that in the previous point they were giving me shit regardless of my size anyway) and I get annoyed and binge eat even more and it's one huge ass cycle.

Yeah I suppose I could choose not to binge eat, then they fricking tell everybody that I have body issues (see previous point) like I seriously can't win, so I just need them out of my life-- not permanently, but for at least one month so that I can do what I want and not have them limit me.

And it's not like I'm taking drugs or harming myself or anything.

I'm gonna be using this time to study and get myself back in shape and possibly build up on my esteem and willpower (both, which, by the way, they destroyed a long while back) and maybe try to be grateful for their presence so when they get back times just might be happier.

On a separate note, I'm one pathetic little kid. I think I'm this natural people repeller, like no matter how I look, or how I behave, or how I think, or how I anything (and I have undergone quite drastic changes) people simply kinda hate me, or they just don't like being near me or anything.

Which is extremely sad, because I'm a people-person, and the one thing that keeps me alive is human contact.

And I know this is extremely contradictory from the point about my family, but it's actually quite different. For one thing, friends are the people who are taking the same exams, going to the same classes, listening to the same songs etc. In a way everyone's going through the same thing, except that their lives are pretty amazing and mine is just... shit. And well, my family seriously can't relate to me the way my friends can. The other day my dad looked at my uniform and thought it was a new shirt, I'm just like wtf? and my mom still doesn't know my subject combination, dude this is just crazy.

Oh and uh, my family is never proud of me. The last time they put "Vick" and "proud of you" in the same sentence was in 2007 (yes I'm so pathetic I actually remember) and it was because I was accepted into SOTA (which, ironically is the reason why they haven't felt any sense of pride for being related to me ever since). Yes. And maybe when they're away I could do something with myself to make them proud (hurhur bite me, but hey I have the right to delude myself) and even if they don't, at least I will feel proud of myself for getting my life back on track.

Really, I can't have stupid distractions from the family like them gossipping about me or insulting me directly or just blatantly not supporting me in everything I do. I know what I'm doing, I'm NOT harming myself in any way, I HAVE calculated the pros and cons, and if they don't trust me, the least they can do is to go on a wonderful holiday for a month and leave me alone.

You know how celebrities have the paparazzi out to destroy them every single second?

Well at least they have friends and family to back them up.

For me, my family is my effin' paparazzi and my friends-- well, haha, I don't know any.

And I'm not being melodramatic with the "I don't have any friends people hate me" kind of hollow remark. Step into my shoes and you'll really see: I don't have friends, and people HATE me.