just as I think that maybe I can start feeling good about myself, I get slammed.
great.
today was the first day in ages I ate cereal from a bowl.
First.
I haven't used a bowl for cereal in more than 9 months, or probably more,
because using a cup would mean that I ate less, and maybe I might lose weight, and then I could become skinny and pretty, but if I ate from a bowl, the carbs would turn into fat and I'd be some butt ugly fatass
which I am, but I'm not butt ugly, just ugly.
And today I ate from a bowl.
It wasn't easy, and I definitely hadn't realised how hard it would be until I poured the cornflakes in.
I started with apprehensive spoonfuls and ate with a spoon that was smaller than a teaspoon
because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this supposed stupid choice of
eating cereal from a bowl, but slowly it got better
and by the end I also had a second helping
I know it's a bad choice, but I wasn't feeling bad, so why not take advantage of it right?

but today was the first day I ate what I didn't like simply because I was hungry.
I wasn't even in a bad mood, and I only eat what I don't like when I'm in a bad mood.
Usually I just wait for something nice and likable to come along.

Well today was a carb-filled day, which I wasn't trying to feel bad about,
because I knew that I could just eat more vitamins and fibre tomorrow instead
and exercise when the weather and blisters were better
and I had a sort of movement workshop, and I perspired, so I was doing some work right
and I was craving pandan cake.

then my dad tells me I'm disgusting for not eating a proper meal
because I'm loading nothing but rubbish into my body
He's being a tad ridiculous, because he brought me to a very stupid and disappointing place for breakfast
a place in which the menu had NOTHING of any nutritional value. I swear on this.
And if I'm loading rubbish into my body, then WHY DOES THE BLOODY HOUSE HAVE RUBBISH INSTEAD OF NUTRITION
or, why does he get to eat his junk food like CHOCOLATE CAKE and TURKISH DELIGHT and HAW FLAKES while I can't eat BREAD or CHEESE or CEREAL or MILK in this house
Please, walk your talk, or stfu.

by the way, the most unhealthy thing I ate today was the chocolate cake which he said was really good and that I really had to try
it was good, but I don't think I would have eaten it if he hadn't mentioned it
and I think the food I ate can be considered breakfast, like cereal, cheese, bread, kaya, coffee, milk etc.
I ate grapes as well.

Today was the first time in 6 months I didn't feel like killing myself for eating more than 800 calories
and my dad ruined it
I don't need you to do it dad, I have enough skinny lucky perfect people in my school blessed with good genes (which you have none of) to make me want to kill myself every single day
and just as I decide that I'm gonna put being skinny (which you told me was NEVER gonna happen) aside so that I can grow taller, you ruin it


I guess only tomorrow can determine how strong I am
I hope I don't let me down