oh man this isn't fair
I hate dilemmas
I have a headache from studying and have this sickening feeling that nothing is going in my head even though I've been discussing and rereading and annotating and editing
it's like I wasted my entire afternoon doing nothing.

I'm hungry and I want to eat, but I'm gonna feel so guilty for eating
because I feel like I haven't done anything the entire day
and people who don't think don't deserve to eat
and I ate a lot earlier today so I'm really pushing it
I've been putting on weight and nobody wants that no no
but if I don't eat I might screw my metabolism up
and I've been around this weight range for the past 3 years anyway so eating shouldn't make a difference
but argh I'm gonna feel so guilty
and what if I don't eat then I'll be hungry during tomorrow's paper and can't focus
but maybe I don't need food to focus I just need sleep

I really need to exercise, but I'm really tired now
because I've been doing history the entire day
which sucks because it feels like nothing went into my head
and I have a slight headache and my neck kinda hurts
but argh my legs are so gross I need to run
and I'm probably not pushing myself enough
but omg if I exercise I'm gonna eat after that and I'll feel guilty all over again
it's like I might as well don't exercise in the first place

I am tired but I'm too guilty to sleep
because I feel like I haven't done anything productive
so I shouldn't be resting
but my head hurts
then again if I sleep it'll be as if I wasted the opportunity to exercise
and what if I wake up hungry tomorrow, then my stomach will embarrass me during the paper

argh dilemma dilemma dilemma this isn't fair
I make the effort to study and I take care of my health
I pay attention in class and do my homework
and I eat fruits and veggies and nutritious goodness
so I shouldn't be this size and this stupid
I should be getting something out of all this work
but then again it's my fault I'm in this state because I'm a pig.
and pigs are fat and ugly and stupid and make the wrong choices forever

why is it some people can not study and do well
or eat so much and stay skinny
or simply not try and succeed in everything
not fair
not fair
God if this is punishment for not going to church,
I think the non-believers should get a share of this punishment as well
so why are they getting all the goodness in life
while I take this alone, not fair at all ):


by the way my parents are being very nice to me
my mom has been buying me loads of bread because she knows I like bread
and it's the only form of carbohydrate I will eat because it is so awesome
but I hate the fact that I'm eating bread (even though I love it)
and I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't want her to buy bread for me
she's gonna think I'm some ungrateful kids with body issues
and then she'll tell the entire world and argjargj arg aeg
I'm trying to come up with reasons to have her stop buying bread like
"meh this is too sweet" or "this bread has no walnuts, why is it called walnut bread" or "I can't eat this the butter tastes super weird" or "okay this smells weird" or "let her eat it if she wants" or "ya this is really good you want some!" and then immediately after "okay overdose I feel sick"
but it's really hard to be convincing when you're me and love bread so much
that every time you look at that carb-filled food your eyes literally glisten with joy
yes I like bread so much I actually laugh like an idiot eating it

God please make me like zero-calorie foods and hate anything bad for me
or alternatively, let whatever I eat translate into HEIGHT and not fats.
yes, that would be ideal tyvm.