I can't tell anybody this.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay because everything is okay but the thoughts in my head
And no one can help me.
Or maybe nothing is okay but everyone is ignoring it,
so no point bringing it up because it'll be countered with denial.
I hate myself.
I hate the way I look.
I hate the way I sound.
I hate the way I behave.
I hate the way I feel.
I can't find a single thing to love about myself.
Today I felt incredibly helpless because my help was rejected.
My help was rejected by the person who needed it the most.
Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world.
And I did everything I can to make up for how useless I was
and a lot of things I did was against my will
And I'm filled with so much regrets.
Why am I regretting everything if I'm so sure I did something good?
She's so perfect I hate it.
She's so perfect that the only thing imperfect about her is her misery.
But why am I trying so much to relieve her of her misery?
Why am I trying so much to keep her perfect?
What do I even stand to gain from it?
She'll be perfect and I'll still be me.
I'll look like me.
I'll sound like me.
I'll behave like me.
I'll feel like me.
I'll hate me.
And I can't tell anyone this.
I'm not okay.