Dear Ethan,

I love you. I have gone too long without saying it and it has been eating slowly at me every day since the last time I said it. I know it has only been 2 days compared to the months people usually go through after a break-up, but to me, it has felt like years. You and I know that these 2 days have been hell because of the company I have been spending time with. The experience has been close to insufferable, but I am not here because I can't deal with whatever they throw me and need someone to run to. You know I am stronger than that, and you know I can separate work from personal affairs. I am here because I still believe in us and I have faith that the Ethan I know understands that.

I have written this long speech over the course of the time we have been apart because I am so sorry for making this decision, but I did, and I am living with the consequences, and I'm sorry that you are too. I sincerely hope you have been better without me. I have considered not contacting you anymore because I know I broke your trust when I broke up with you, and what is the possibility that you will let me finish everything that I have to say or even believe anything I have to say? But when I push this thought out of my head, I hear your voice telling me, "but did you try? How would you know if you don't try?" And so I am here, in front of you, no threats, no defenses, no pride, no walls, no reservations. Apart from my clothes I am completely bare, I don't know how much of me I have left but I am giving it all to you in the form of my words, because I have nothing else left to give. I am not expecting anything, but I wish that you will let me say everything without stopping me or pushing me out the door and out of your life.

The reason why I broke up with you was because I didn't trust you and I had a lot of stress and uncertainty to deal with. And those were not your issues to deal with but mine, but I dragged you into my insecurities and I am sorry for that. I have many things I need and want to apologise for.
Firstly, I am sorry I was selfish in our relationship. I would say I loved selfishly but that is impossible, because love does not take, and love is anything but selfish. I am sorry that I made your problems about me when the gravity of your issues far outweighed my significance. I am sorry I was not supportive enough. I was very happy that you got into college but it was shadowed by my worry of us not being together. I could have put us aside and helped you tackle your problems but I piled onto them and for that I am unfair, I am selfish, I am stupid and I am sorry.
Secondly, I am sorry I had expectations of you even after I said I stopped and wouldn't. I expected you to tell me you love me every night, even though I should have had the simple sense to know that you didn't have to say it to mean it. It got to the point where I was virtually begging for it, which added to my insecurities and made me feel worse about myself, and still I blamed you for it. I dropped into a vicious cycle and took you down with me. I am sorry it took so long and perhaps too late for me to learn this, but I have learnt, and I am horrified by how my actions have implicated you.
Thirdly, I am sorry I said "there is no us". We are a team-- or rather, we were a team, we were strong, and invincible except when dealt with our own blows. There was no way anyone else could have broken us, and I am sorry I foolishly did it. Furthermore, I am sorry I denied our existence, because you aren't something I can pretend never happened. You changed my life so much and I would have never gotten anywhere close to where I am without your love and patience and support, I wish I could say I did the same for you, but here I am, still doubting I ever did anything for you, and hoping it's not too late to do so.

Ethan, I am sorry I broke my promise to never leave you. I promised this after the first time I ran away from you and we had the huge blowout at LaSalle. At that moment, I was fully convinced I would never leave you, that you were worth the tears and pain and you were someone whom I would fervently protect for as long as I knew you. I remember holding your hands really tightly and giving you my word which I am sorry I did not keep. Worse still, not only did I not protect you, I inflicted pain and I wish I could wipe it from our memory. No amount of apology can save this. It was the first thing that struck me after I broke up with you and it has been haunting me ever since. Technically I left but emotionally I never did. I may be talking in absolutes but this is something I can bet my life on. I go to bed hoping you're okay and that you're happy, or at least happier. I wonder what you think of when you hug your bolster. I insist that you haven't thrown away anything I have given you, because I gave them to you out of love. I wonder if the Kit Kat pillow still remains beside you at night. I consider if you can still listen to certain songs, because my iTunes library has been driving me crazy with memories of you. I fear leaving my house because the fucking memories are vivid. I have to squeeze my eyes shut to try ignoring the fact that you have been in my bed, and I pray that you don't do the same. I have been crazy enough to stalk you on twitter and facebook to make sure you're alright and still alive. I hope that you don't cry at all, or if you do, it's not because of my mistake. Yes, I call it a mistake because more than anything, this breakup has taught me that while I can live without you, I am not happy or any better for it, and I want you in my life. I want you so badly it hurts. I miss you and everything in between. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your smile. I miss the way you smell and taste. I miss your catchphrases and the way your head bobs when you play Olivia. I miss the sharp ends of your lips when you smile. I miss the way your breath feels on my skin. I miss the way your fingers move when you think. I miss you bursting into laughter. I miss the way you cheekily say "dexterity of the fingers" or the days you're Boyle-ing. I miss your ideas. I miss your mom. I fucking miss your mom and her pasta. And your pasta. I miss your bed. I miss your emoji stories. I miss everything that's too damn cliched it seems insincere of me to include it. I miss you, E. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I'm so busy missing you I forget that I'm not yours anymore, and when I remember, it slaps me extra hard because I know I did this to myself.

Anyone who knows of this breakup also has been told that this is just a case of the right person, wrong time. I cry bullshit. This is denial that I don't want to live in. This is a case of right person, and me screwing things up. This is a case of right person, and me not fully believing him until it's gone. There is no way you and I lasted almost 2 years because it was the wrong time. There is no way you and I fought through IB and the army and missing out on Central the first round because it was the wrong time. There is no way you and I endured the hate vibes I have for Sabrina fucking Sng and the six dating apps because it was the wrong time. There is no way you and I lasted through the whole Juilliard fiasco and .Dot because it was the wrong time. It was never the wrong time, it was just the wrong response to the situation we had been caught in. And it was my response that was wrong, and I am so sorry I was wrong. I screwed up and you're the one person who didn't deserve to be part of this fucking irreversible mistake I made.

This is something I have taken too long to admit. You don't deserve me. You deserve someone out there in this big fucking world who will see you for all your mistakes and shortcomings and never hold a grudge the way I did. You deserve someone who knows when you need space and has the decency to respect that. And I am sorry, more than anything else, I am sorry I wouldn't admit it, and I dragged you into my pile of insecurities just to protect my ego, and that I kept you from her for two years.

I don't know where this leaves us now. I want so much for us to be okay and I don't even know if that's possible anymore. I'm going crazy thinking about this, I'm scared of travelling to that dark part of my mind and yet I do. I want to be part of your life, the good part, not the bad part you wish to forget. I try to save myself by considering how good a boyfriend you are but that's irrelevant. You're not a fucking boyfriend. You're Ethan Chia, and I love you because of who you are and not who you are to me. You can be director Ethan and I'll still love you. You can be little boy Ethan and I'll still love you. You can be army clerk Ethan and I'll still love you. I love you, and I can't declare it because it limits what I feel and it drives me insane that words are all I have.

I don't know what reason you have to believe me anymore but I want so much to take back everything that happened and commit fully to a relationship with you. This isn't about me, this is about us. This is about the 'us' that I tried to deny but has come swinging in my face. I love you and I want to work to make us work. I want us to work. I want us and I want you and I want everything that I foolishly decided to give up. This is me offering myself as one half of a whole that only you can complete. This is me trying my damnedest to make up for what I have done you wrong.

If you tell me you won't forgive me, you haven't missed me and you don't want me anymore, I will take it, and never contact you ever again. This is the consequence I know I have to bear for letting go and breaking my promise to you, and me standing here is my last ditch attempt to save something so special and so important to me that I stupidly destroyed. You mean the world to me, and I wish I never let you go, but I did, and I can't forgive myself for that, and I don't know if I can, or how long it will take before I come to terms with it.

I am afraid of hugging you because one of the worst feelings in the world is not being hugged back when I hug you. I miss your hugs so much. More so, I miss hugging you. I don't want to wander about anymore, I want to go home.

With all my heart,
Victoria