I feel like my baseline is breaking point. Everyday I wake up and I have to mentally push myself out of that head space and into one which makes me feel more in control or distracted, and if I don’t put in that effort, I return to breaking point, which means every little thing can send me over the edge. I have been having constant freak outs and breakdowns on my own but too scared to approach them with Way-J, I did it once and it ended up being counterproductive. I expressed how I felt and in response Way-J told me all the things I did wrong or wasn’t good enough which I suppose is fair and well-deserved but instead of changing how I feel or helping me to understand my feelings, simply reinforced the lack of confidence I have in myself and my worthiness in this relationship. I frequently burst into tears when I am alone and I don’t know how to stop it. I feel that I have reached a point where I am too terrified of trying to save the relationship because nothing I do is good enough or worthy enough and if I make any wrong move, Way-J will get upset or disappointed and remind me of how much he does for me, which in my head translates to how little I do for him. But I am also aware that I don’t need enough and I don’t know what else to do or how to do it, or if I even have the energy to do it. I am also too terrified of leaving the relationship because I will be the bad person who made a poor judgment and ended up making everyone miserable, or I will never be worthy of anyone ever again, and that I’m already punching above my weight by being in a relationship with Way-J. My self-esteem has hit an all time low and I don’t know how to build it up and this is severely affecting my ability to contribute or partake in a relationship or equal partnership. I no longer believe that this relationship benefits Way-J even though he insists it does, but I find it challenging to believe what he says. To me, his actions claim otherwise—I recognise and appreciate that he still undertakes acts of service for me, which he also has described as being out-of-habit and something he does on autopilot. So it feels like he only does them because he’s used to it and probably wouldn’t have done so otherwise. Is this relationship only in existence because of habit and familiarly? Or is there still a mutual desire to keep this relationship alive? I don’t know. My judgment is so clouded to the point that while I know logically that Way-J still gives to this relationship, I feel extremely alone. Do I want this relationship? Yes, but I don’t know if it’s for healthy and fair reasons, and I am afraid that it’s not the best option for Way-J. Do I love Way-J? Yes, but I don’t feel like it means anything to him that I do. And if it means nothing to him, it means nothing to me. My love has no worth to myself, Way-J, or anyone at all. All of this stems from my crippling self-doubt which is making me misread, misinterpret and misunderstand most of what Way-J says or does and I feel like I need to seek help for it. And that makes me angry. Because I believe I was fine before he went AWOL and then behaved erratically for the next few days while I had to deal with the unpredictability of his behaviour and the difficult recovery that came after. I feel tired and burnt out from all the support I have given and I feel like I had to bear the consequences of his lapse in judgment, while supporting him. I don’t want to blame him for my actions, but I felt deeply betrayed by what he did. I know his actions had nothing to do with me and he has other issues to settle and to link it back to me is narcissistic. Yet, I feel such strong negative feelings about that event. Way-J has expressed his gratitude towards me for supporting him through this but somehow it feels like he doesn’t grasp the full extent to which this event has devastated me. I feel like I have been shredded to pieces and I’m held together by flimsy scotch tape. I find it difficult to breathe sometimes. My head hurts all the time, I’m nauseated and I keep gritting my teeth. Way-J told me to do whatever I needed to stay sane but he hoped that we would emerge out of it together. I think he has emerged out of his dark period but I am still lodged in mine. My approach to staying sane is to meet up with people in my life but not telling Way-J who it is. I do this to claim some mythical sense of autonomy and independence over my life, so that if Way-J were to do anything that threatened the existence of this relationship, the way he put us on the line when he relapsed, at least I still have some aspect of my life remaining intact that wasn’t overturned br Way-J, because I have drawn a boundary between this part of my life and his involvement in it. I wouldn’t be doing this if I had enough work or other things in my life going on to keep me distracted, but I don’t, and this is the quickest and easiest distraction I have. It has exacerbated his trust issues because it feels sketchy. I would never break the rules of our relationship and I am committed to keeping this relationship together, but it feels like he doesn’t trust me. And if he still can’t trust me after I stayed by him and supported him through his dark period, then I don’t know why I am in this relationship anymore, and I don’t know what my worth is. I don’t think Way-J thinks much of me. I don’t think he likes me as much as he says he does. And I don’t think he is aware that he feels and thinks this way of me. He doubts my commitment and faithfulness to this relationship. He often questions the knowledge I share in a way that seems to reject my statements more than adding to the conversation. He has said that I am not helpful and I don’t do much and I am unpleasant to the people I love. I am unable to tell if any of the above has been said in seriousness or jest, but I also don’t feel it’s funny to talk about a partner this way. I am more than ready to accept that all this is in my head and I am crazy and need medical intervention. Right now, I am extremely miserable. I would like for this mental, emotional and physiological pain to stop and I don’t know what to do in order to achieve that.